Snapshots between Raindrops

BOOBS

2011-07-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

Boobs.

I feel like talking about boobs today.

It's been on my mind a lot lately.

Why?

Well I recently tattooed a voluptuous set on my right arm....

Because of this artwork, I apparently invited others' opinions and let me say this... People LOVE to share their opinions about my Earthen Goddess... some admire it while others revile it.... And the negative comments have even caused me to be a little upset at times, wondering if I should cover her up and doubting myself for tattooing breasts on my arm....

But why do I feel this way? It also makes me wonder, am I raising my children correctly? Am I teaching them about boobies openly and honestly? It also really made me think of how I myself view breasts....

Here are some conclusions I have come to terms with in regards to boobies....

I love boobs. I think breasts are beautiful. The round curvature, the delicateness of the skin, the way they can compliment a figure.... all that makes them beautiful. I also love that breasts come in all different shapes and sizes. There are little boobies and ginormous boobies and all other sizes in between. I notice other females breasts and yes, I admire them. It makes me even more aware that all of us females are still so uniquely different from each other. That difference is beautiful and it's part of what makes breasts beautiful as well....

You know what else makes them beautiful? The fact that they can SUSTAIN LIFE. They aren't just fun bags or sacks of fat. They have the incredible ability to provide nutritious food for our children that we birth. Since the dawn of time, us human's have suckled at the breasts of our mothers. We are born with primitive reflexes, that which one of them is the ability to feed from a breast. They are essential to sustain the human race. I find it mind blowing how important boobies really are....

Yes, I think boobs are BEAUTIFUL. Not just in sight and appearance but also in functionality.

Because I think they are beautiful, I don't hide them from my children's eyes neither. Yep, you guessed it... my boobs are not always covered in my house. Now before you jump to conclusions, no, I don't just walk around nekkid all day long... but reality check, we are a family of 5 that live in a ONE bathroom house, boobs are GONNA be seen. And I personally don't make any gallant efforts to cover them if any of our children are in the vicinity or path of me walking from the bedroom to the bathroom. I have always taught them in this manner.... seeing them should not cause a dramatic reaction. If I do catch them staring at my boobs, we stop and have a conversation about what breasts are and what their purpose is. SO far, they all have the ability to explain to you exactly what they are for.... feeding babies.

I love the sexuality behind boobies too.... Yes, I have many feminist beliefs and among them is that it's OK for my breasts to be viewed as sexual. This sexual allure is part of that initial attraction between two human beings. It can be the beginnings of what brings two people together to want to create a new life through intimate moments. I love the fact that my husband desire's my breasts :) It leads us to share our bodies with each other which leads to a happy and healthy marriage.

So after all the doubt and concern I had over my tattoo.... I realize after breaking it down here that I absolutely, positively LOVE my tattoo. I love the opinions I have received about it, the good ones AND the bad ones. Those comments and opinions have pushed me to really think and articulate just how I feel about boobs. Those very same comments and opinions have also made me strive to teach my children about boobies and the human body in general... that our bodies aren't shameful, or dirty, or something that can't be discussed if they have questions about them.... I hope they grow up into young men that respect a woman's body because their mother respects it in the ways I just stated.

All that from a tattoo.... (Jeesch, I think too much)... but in the end, as my husband has stated.... "Everyone loves boobies!"

Even me.

(5 Years Later) Hello My love...

2011-07-20T20:15:00.001-07:00

Hello My Love....

It's been 5 years.

5 years since your sudden demise.

5 years since I told my babies that their daddy went to live someplace else....

5 years since I thought my world had ended...

And yet, it was just beginning.

I can tell you that I have manifested into a woman that all though I will never forget July 20th and July 21st, I am a woman who has learned that it no longer needs to bring me to tears.

5 years later and we are all still living and growing.

5 years later and I am proud of the children I was blessed to have with you.

I'm sorry I don't visit your grave very often..... I'll come clean... I don't like graves. I don't like talking to a piece of stone. Graves are just a "thing" in my world. I can't see you, I can't hug you.... and a grave gives me no solace. It only reinforces the fact that you are buried underneath 6 feet of dirt. But it's your body that's buried. Not you. Why would I go to a grave when I know that your spirit is everywhere.... for all I know you are standing in front of me, behind me, or right beside me.... No one knows what the ever after brings until your there... and I chose not to warp our children nor myself by crying, standing at a piece of man made stone. Your spirit is everywhere....

5 years later and I'm still striving to be part of your family...

I just took the boys to your family reunion and it meant a lot to me... I got to introduce them to their family, the family that still cared enough to invite us (thank you Kathy!!). It's very important to me that the boys stay involved and have a good knowledge of who their daddy was and where they come from... VERY important. I'm not one to ever bash family ties, however I won't take it lightly when my boys are disappointed neither.... 5 years later and I'm still holding on to a flame that your family promised to stay involved.... and I mean to keep them involved to the best of my capabilities... I won't sacrifice what we believed in and how they shall be raised, but I will always and forever honor and respect their heritage.

5 years later and I'm rather proud.

Your children are simply put, amazing. Every single one of them have you inside of them.... I can pick out each and every characteristic of how each one is like you. Every single day they push me to my limits and yet I still love to embrace them at the end of a day. Being a parent is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life... especially with out their father by my side. Yet I think I'm doing OK. I think someone blessed me with the graces of treading this water without you.

5 years later and I'm happy.

I'm sure you know but there are good people in the world. There are men that will stand up and take responsibility where there is absence. I have met one of those men. Without ever having met you, he knows you, and he respects you. He has embraced me, you, and all of our children as his own life. He loves them as if they were his own.... some may scoff, some may not agree but when I see him share an embrace with Zane, Izeah, or Zak, I know for a fact that he is sincere.... and I will not get in the way of our boys having a father. We all know who their biological father is but I'm lucky enough to tell everyone I know that they have 2 fathers now... one who watches over them and one who takes care of them.... He wants to adopt them... I think I will let him :) I think you would be proud.

5 years later and I will still never forget where I was on this day 5 years ago... I think about this time I was probably out smoking (because I tend to do that a lot).... 5 years ago I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were dying and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, short of a miracle that could change the stars. I remember feeling numb, feeling like this was happening to someone else and not me...

5 years later I still feel all of that... but it's different now... I took what I felt and I've learned from it, grown from it. I've gone places, seen things I wanted to see, done things I've always wanted to do... I've tried to not to take life for granted. You taught me all that. You taught me the most important lesson anyone can ever learn in their life... that each day is a gift, it's a true miracle. Respect what is given to you and never ever take it for granted.

I would hope that from where ever you are you are smiling down on us... smiling down knowing that your children are in fantastic hands.... that they will live a life that you would be proud of....

I would also hope that you would be proud to know that I found love again... and that I was willing to embrace it and not hold onto a memory of you that is like holding on to the wind... it can't be done.

5 years ago today I understood what death meant....

And yet I'm still here, living this life...

I will always and forever love you, there is no doubt in my mind about that. Yet I can't love a memory, I can only love what you gave me.... I love every piece of what me and you made together, and I love the fact that you were in my life for a short time. I love what you taught me and I love how much I've grown from it....

5 years later and I'm still here... wrapped into these feelings and emotions, yet so much more intelligent and wise about how short life itself can be...

5 years later and I just want you to know that I think of you every single day. I yearn to hear your voice again and watch you pick up your children. Yet 5 years later, I get to watch another man pick up your children and love them as if he has your heart within himself....

5 years later..... I still remember... I love you... and yet, life moves on :) I love where we're at right now and all I can really say after 5 years is.... thank you.

Love,

Dana

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2011-06-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't been blogging regularly, it would help to explain why......

What's that? A Garden!!!! I, personally, have been gardening for ohhhh.... 10 years or so? Now my husband is just as obsessed with gardening :) Each year is such a learning experience and each year it gets bigger and better. We have progressed from a simple garden of tomato's and pepper's to now interweaving crops and many different varieties. We used to just run to the store and buy the plants but now we are learning about and have started a lot of our garden from seed. This year, I'm trying to learn about seed saving so that we can harvest our seeds for next year and possibly participate in a seed exchange locally! Hopefully in a few years, we will have all seeds saved and be advanced enough to have to spend virtually NOTHING to start our garden! We make our own compost and this year we were able to use our OWN mulch on 1/4th of the garden for weed control!

Is that a picnic table? Yeah, we don't get to eat on it too often anymore :) It has become more of a work station :) We actually might look into purchasing another one because we LOVE to eat outside in the summer but we also love having this one to work on so we aren't killing our backs bending over all the time :) My husband is the "flower" person, I am the "veggie" person.... nice match huh? So a lot of these pots are his, growing flowers from seeds he has saved....

So many have asked what we have planted? Well lets break it down a bit....

Above is what it looked like in the VERY beginning....

Now it's FULL! I have created a "list" of our garden inhabitants for the year and

I have included links... LOTS of links. If we bought the seeds from Seed Saver's Exchange (SSE for future reference) then the link takes you to their page of information on that plant, if we didn't buy it there, then the link takes you to images of what the plant is like.

Tomato's (Total of 12 plants)

1- Three Moonglow plants started from seeds by Seed Saver Exchange (SSE)

2- Four Eva Purple Ball plants started from seeds by SSE

3- Two Mr. Stripey plants bought at Teske's

4- One Beefsteak plant bought at Teske's

5- One Jubilee Heirloom plant bought at Teske's

6- One Lemon Boy plant bought at Teske's

(Mr. Stripey)

(Eva Purple Ball)

Pepper's: (Total of 7 plants)

1- Three Red Buran plants started from seeds by SSE

2- One Sweet Banana plant bought at Teske's

3- One Orange Sun Bell plant bought at Teske's

4- One Costa Rican Sweet Red Hybrid plant bought at Teske's

5- One Purple Beauty plant bought at Teske's

(Variety of Peppers)

Vegetables: (Lot's of variety here)

1- Five Premium Late Flat Dutch Cabbage plants from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: I think we planted these a bit too early so may have to replant in the fall)

2- One row of Scarlet Nantes Carrots (Orange) from seeds bought at SSE

3- One row of Dragon Carrots (Purple carrots) from seeds bought at SSE

4- One row Amish Snap Peas from seeds bought at SSE

5- One row Climbing French Green Beans from seeds bought at SSE

6- Two Homemade Pickles Cucumber plants bought at Teske's

7- One mound of Mexican Sour Gherkins started from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: I have one bloom that is struggling so I waited until temps increased and I have reseeded)

8- One mound of A+C Pickling Cucumbers started from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: Same as Gherkins, I have reseeded)

9- Eight Packman Broccoli plants bought at an unknown store by John

10-Six Cauliflower plants purchased from Nostalgia Farm's at our local Farmer's Market

11- Six Napa Cabbage plants bought at an unknown store by John

12- One potato plant in a bag received as a Mother's Day gift from Izeah :)

Notes: We also purchased Calabrese Broccoli seeds and Early Snowball Cauliflower seeds from SSE but for some unknown reason, we had trouble starting them from seed this spring. Our plan is to do another round in the fall from seed to have a double crop.

(Amish Snap Peas)

(Climbing French Green Beans)

(Homemade Pickles Cucumber plants)

(A carrot seedling)

(Cauliflower)

(Premium Late Flat Dutch Cabbage)

(Napa Cabbage plants)

(Broccoli plants)

Greens and Lettuce:

1- One row of Five Color Silverbeet Swiss Chard started from seeds bought at SSE

2- One row of Vivian Lettuce (a type of romaine) started from seeds we purchased 2 years ago

3- One row of Little Caeser Lettuce started from seeds we purchased 2 years ago

4- One row of Seed Savers Lettuce Mixture started from seeds bought at SSE

5- Eight Arugula plants purchased at Home Depot (NOTE: These are bolting, see what I wrote below)

6- Two Fire Lettuce plants we received from Let Us Farm Inc. at Fun Night at school

7- One row of America Spinach started from seeds bought at SSE (NOTE: I had to plant these twice, first time had no results, 2nd time, I have Spinach!!!!!)

(Five Color Silverbeet Swiss Chard)

(Seed Saver's Lettuce Mixture plants)

(Little Caesar lettuce plants)

(Vivian Lettuce plants)

(Fire Lettuce plant)

(Izeah's Potato plant)

We also have a variety of potted plants and herbs:

1- Two pots of Strawberry Plants purchased online by John

2- Two pots of Sweet Basil plants purchased at Home Depot

3- One pot of Oregano we have had for 2 years and it's still growing!

4- One pot with a Red Rubin Basil plant bought at Teske's

5- One pot with two Purple Basil plants bought at Teske's

6- One pot of Cilantro started from seeds we have had for 2 years

7- Three mounds of Garlic we received from John's Dad

8- Three mounds of Chives we received from John's Dad

(Garlic)

(Strawberries)

(Oregano)

(Red Rubin Basil on left, Purple Basil on right)

(Sweet Basil plants)

(Chives)

(Cilantro)

As I talked a little bit above... the below pic is Arugula. We are going to attempt seed saving this year ourselves.... this pic was taken about 5 days ago and shows how it is bolting... but in the last few days, there are now seed pods on it!!! The plants are leaning over so I'm going to assume the pods may burst soon so I will be working to harvest them following this website's advice. I will be reseeding through out the summer for tender Arugula and hopefully have a great crop in the fall when the temps wind down a bit!

(Bolting Arugula)

And just for fun.... here's my flower lovin' hubby and his "I love this shit and hate this shit" fun face ;)

Oh yeah, we grow kids too (hahaha) Apparently they need a lot of water to grow :)

So after what seems to be the worlds longest post on gardening, that's our garden in a nutshell. This year we are going to start keeping records of where our plants have come from, how they have produced and if we harvest the seeds from them for another year...

We also had a small sad disaster.... we had storms with straight line winds blow through early Thursday morning and it bent all of our broccoli and snapped 2 cauliflowers clean off at the roots :( I have staked the broccoli up now though and it's just fine :) I replanted the remaining roots of the cauliflower and now we're waiting to see if they take hold! First day they looked bad but today they might have hope!!! Cross your fingers!

Happy Gardening everyone! :)

Living My Life

2011-06-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Oh you know me... just thinking out loud here...

I'm sure many of us go through tough times.

I'm sure many of us wish our lives were different or we feel like we are lost in the "busy-ness" that is life.

I know I'm victim.

Maybe victim isn't the right word... but I can't think of another....

I've thought about this a lot in the last few years... thoughts on having lots of children and living the life that was handed to me. How it has twisted many times.... how there have been numerous forks in the road... how I think about choices I have made in the past and how they will affect my present and my future....

Yes, even the ones who appear to be "supermom".... hate to burst some bubbles but some of us supermoms don't have it all together all of the time.

So I start playing the "what if" game. What if I had made different choices? What if I had chosen different paths? Would I had more time to focus on me? Would I have more time to pursue the person that I "think" I'm meant to be? Would I have more time to pursue my hobbies and interests? Even the little things.... Would I be able to eat a quiet meal with no interruptions?

Would my life be better?

Short answer?

No.

*********************

Life is what it is. You make choices and life happens to you. There is no controlling this. You are subject to whichever god is out there or whatever the universe has planned for you.

But every time I get upset thinking my life could have been different, I think of all the wonderful things that I DO have in my life.

Zak-- you are my first born. The VERY FIRST thing in this life that showed me what true love was. No man before you EVER could make me want to sacrifice my life for another human being... until I had you. You have blessed me with the ability to be completely selfless over and over again. You were the first step in me becoming an adult, and a mother. And tonight? I got to jump up and down with joy because you hit that ball into the outfield. You were beaming with pride. And in all the busy activities of getting to your game? It was instantly worth it to see you so proud.

Izeah-- Never in my life have I ever imagined I would have a child that is "hard to please" :) You don't just readily smile at every person who passes you by.... you are calculating and thoughtful. You have made me work so hard at so many points in my life, just to get you to smile. You have shown me what determination means. You also brighten my day with all your craziness. Tonight? You told me, "Mom, I need surgery because I have these JIGGLES" as you twitched up and down the sidewalk we were walking on.... Oh my goodness child, I about peed myself with laughter.

Zane-- My third and final child to come from my womb. With your fiery red hair and hella attitude.... you really rock my world. You are the first one to greet me every morning with out fail and the first one to make me laugh (last weekend, he was a wolf, howling at 6 AM). You are hilarious and a true joy to be around. You have also taught me that children come in all shapes and sizes. You may not be the top of your class at school, or you may stutter over your words, but you are the brightest and funniest little man I know. You have spirit, and you have energy inside you that just can't stay bottled up. Tonight? You were so thoughtful bringing Izeah's DSI to dinner, so caring to remember your brother and how "bored" he might be... you care so much that it makes me care just as much.

Kayla-- Oh my teenager... how I fear for you in this great big world. You are so intelligent and mature that I often times forget that you are only 14. I frequently try to play boss just to insure the fact that you don't grow up too fast and miss the fun things a childhood has to offer... but I remember, I remember being 14 and all I wanted to do was grow up... I get it, I really do. I know I've done my job as a parent though if you don't like me once or twice in your teenage years. Teaching you about rules and limits is my job, my job as a parent, and one I believe in. You are so beautiful though, and it scares me... you will never have to want for what other girls have.... you are truly a beautiful rose in my world and yes, I will do anything to protect you, just as if I birthed you myself.

As for other things in my life? They are just things or events that have happened to me that have taught me very important lessons.... I frequently touch on them and there is no need to go into too much detail.... I just know that with people that have come into and out of my life, I have learned that to this day my inner strength still hasn't met it's limit. I know that I am a strong woman, even if I doubt my own strength at times.

My house is falling apart, but I have a house, and I make it a home. My bills are high, but lower then they have been in years because I've finally learned how to pay stuff off. My health has certain issues, but I'm not dying. I'm over all very healthy and I am working to make those other problems go away. I bitch because I'm "too busy" but I know that I'm too busy because I'm surrounded by friends. Friends that desire to spend time with me, and that makes me feel very special and appreciated. I complain because I have a lot to do up at the kids' school, but I get to be involved in their education and watch them grow.

John-- You are not my first love but yes, my only love. I know that this family causes you a lot of busy times and leaves a lot less time for yourself. I won't say thank you though. It's what I assumed you sacrificed because you loved me, and all of our children, and every crazy minute of every crazy day that comes with it. I only hope you still see the brighter sides and that you still have dreams that have me in them....

***************************

Does your life trouble you? Do you frequently think of things that you could be or should be? Do you feel like life is passing you by and your wasting your time with trivial family things? Do you feel trapped?

Well if you do.... it's ok to feel this way once in a while.... but if it becomes a constant daily thought that your life is holding you back from what you want to be.... then maybe you should re-evaluate your life and the choices you have made.

I just did.

And I'm perfectly content to be where I am, right here, right now. Do I complain and bitch each day about my many tasks and how tired I am? Yep. Sure do. But each night I go to sleep content and wake up each morning ready to roll. Do I have plans and dreams of the future? You bet, and I honestly don't believe I'm wasting my life away right now, I believe that I'm just following a path to my plans and my dreams....in essence, just living my life.

My Body, My Hair, My Mystery....

2011-05-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with a friend last week and she inquired as to how I was doing and that she was worried about me....

I don't think a lot of you know but last February my hair started to fall out in bald patches.

Yeah, sounds fun right?

And most of you DO know that I'm a nurse, with a brain that doesn't stop until I find some kind of logical and reasonable answer to medical mysteries :)

So I started telling that friend all the testing and theories that I have pondered and discussed with varying doctors and nurse practitioners... she said, "You should write a blog about that! I'm a woman and I didn't know a lot of that!" :)

SO here we go....

When I first found out about my hair, I saw a few doctors and was generally dismissed. Some of them referred to me being crazy, others said, "it's just stress", others said you sometimes just can't explain random hair loss.

(Side Note: I work with some of these doctors and was a little taken a back at how I was dismissed. So, they trust me with their other patients care but when I have questions and want to look at my own health I'm dismissed? Makes me feel like a very very small person, just so you know....) (Also made me doubt some of the people and places I have previously believed in)

In the end of the first round of doctors, I decided that sorry bitches, I don't buy any of the crap you just tried to feed me.

I had my Thyroid tested (which I actually had to go thru my chiropractor to get the tests ordered).... and my thyroid is a thing of beauty :)

Then one evening, my husband said, "It HAS to have something to do with your IUD." BAM. Hubby, you are oh so smart sometimes :) I had an IUD for approximately 6 years. SO I began to research this....

This is where my post may become confusing because a lot of us females are TRULY unaware of just WHAT hormones do to our bodies and how certain methods of birth control can affect us. I will try to explain this as best I can but I hope this reaches some females somewhere and makes us all a little more aware of how important it is to pay attention to our bodies....

We females need 2 main hormones for us to BE FEMALE. They are Estrogen and Progesterone. Hormones are such a mystery though, even to me, as a nurse! The levels of them change continuously through out our monthly cycles and many doctors and medical professionals are unaware of how a fluctuation in our hormones can affect our entire bodies.... not to mention, we have all become MODERN and we have taken it upon ourselves to mess with our hormone levels with birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies....

Enter in the Mirena IUD (which I had). It contains a FAKE hormone called Progestin. This Progestin mimics and replaces a woman's natural ability to produce Progesterone. Progesterone is VERY important for many many reasons with in our bodies. I had the Mirena for approximately 6 years....

Once I had the IUD removed.... my hair started falling out a few months later....

YET EVERY DOCTOR I SAW REFUSED TO AGREE THAT MY HAIR LOSS COULD BE RELATED TO MY IUD.

So instead of a doctor, I went through an advanced practice nurse practitioner who actually sat down with me and has committed herself to helping me try to find out why I have this sudden and random alopecia. I had my hormones tested and low and behold, my levels are low. I have also had varying other symptoms such as night sweats, hot flashes, "foggy thinking", etc. Turns out, low levels of progesterone or estrogen can cause these too.... Bottom line, she offered for me to start a natural progesterone cream to supplement my lack of progesterone. I asked her if it was ok to wait for 3 months or so to see if my body can figure out how to make more on its own.... Not that I don't appreciate her advise, but I pondered that if I supplemented my natural production with Progestin for 6 years, wouldn't I be doing the same by putting progesterone cream on my body? So for now, I am suffering through watching my hair fall out, all in the hopes that the torment I put my body through will subside and it will heal itself....

There are many things about this that bother me though....

Think about it. Most females are on some type of hormone from teenage years through menopause! So how can we really know the exact effects of what we are doing to ourselves if we mask it the entire time.... I will admit, I am lucky. My husband "took care of business" so we won't have anymore kids... So at the age of 31 I am free to be completely off birth control, completely off fake hormones, and I have no fears or worries of pregnancy right now.

BUT for those females that have to protect themselves from pregnancy, what are we doing to our bodies? What effect do these long term birth controls have on our bodies? Have you researched all the side effects? What do you chose to suffer through all for the sake of convenience? How will we ever know the answers to these questions if we use fake hormones from such a young age until we virtually reach menopause?

My hair loss isn't the only thing that happened.... I started to get large boils on my face about the same time I had the IUD put in. I saw doctors and dermatologists and was told it was adult onset cystic acne, here's a life time supply of antibiotics to control it.... but guess what? I took that IUD out, and I haven't had a boil since.... Makes you wonder huh?

Bottom line ladies.... think about it. Take charge of your healthcare. If you have problems and you think it may be hormone related, look into it. Don't let anyone knock the wind out of your sails until you feel like you have a grasp on your situation or an answer...

And last but not least, pay attention to your body :)

Honoring Our Mothers

2011-05-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on being a Mother on Mother's Day....

To my children....

You are my life, you are my joy. You are my sorrow and my anger. You are the miracles that I was blessed to be able to create with in my womb, with in my body. My body created and gave shelter to your first cell, your first heart beat, your first feelings of connection to another human being. My body nourished you and housed you for your ten little fingers and ten little toes to take shape, for your bodies to grow, and for your minds to form and bring you to the beautiful children that you are today. My body fed you, kept you warm, and kept you safe. You are me. You are the only single thing in this world that I would give my own life for. You are part of me and all of me...

While I appreciate the cards with the glitter and the beautiful flowers, I appreciate you more.... For me, Mother's Day is everyday. It is all the little smiles I see and the playful giggles I hear. It is all the sadness I feel when you are hurt. It is also the anger and discipline I share as I mold and help to shape the men you will be in the future.

Always remember.... everything I have done with you and for you was done with love from every ounce of my being.

********************

To my Mother....

Mom, oh how I respect the love and nourishment you gave to me. You also helped to mold and create the person that I am today. My attitude, my caring, my craziness, my love... you made me into the woman I am proud to be today. Just as my body has nourished my own children, I know that I am a product of that nourishment myself. You gave me life and I will forever be grateful for your love.

********************

To all my other Mom's....

There are many of you. All the strong and beautiful mother's out there that help to give me guidance and knowledge, you are wonderful. Whether you are my friends, mother-in-law, or mentor.... you are also a part of me. Mother's do share a common bond and I am happy to share this bond with all the Mother's in my life. We are all in this together, raising our children and sharing knowledge from one woman to another. We are each other's shoulders to cry on, ears to vent to, and encouragement in difficult times. You all have a special place in my heart and to you I wish you happiness today and everyday.

********************

To our Mother Earth....

Of course I can't forget this Mother neither. After all, we as Mother's are a part of Mother Earth as well. Today, on Mother's Day, I will spend part of the day buried in your beauty. Digging in the dirt to provide the seed that you will house and nourish so that I can do the same for my children. Through you I see the beauty of being a Mother myself. I see my connection with nature and with the miracle of creation and providing for others.

I can't think of a better Mother's Day then planting my garden and by realizing how much as Mother's we are like the Earth....

********************

I hope all the mother's I know have a beautiful day, not just today, but everyday that we are allowed to be Mother's.

"The most beautiful word on the lips of mankind is the word “Mother,” and the most beautiful call is the call of “My mother.” It is a word full of hope and love, a sweet and kind word coming from the depths of the heart. The mother is everything – she is our consolation in sorrow, our hope in misery, and our strength in weakness. She is the source of love, mercy, sympathy, and forgiveness….

Everything in nature bespeaks the mother. The sun is the mother of earth and gives it its nourishment of heart; it never leaves the universe at night until it has put the earth to sleep to the song of the sea and the hymn of birds and brooks. And this earth is the mother of trees and flowers. It produces them, nurses them, and weans them. The trees and flowers become kind mothers of their great fruits and seeds. And the mother, the prototype of all existence, is the eternal spirit, full of beauty and love."

--Kahlil Gibran

Screw the Life Bombs

2011-04-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

Yep, Screw all the life bombs I've had recently....

I was reading my blogs on my blogroll today and I read Anniegirl1138's post about Dating a Widower which led me to this gentlemen's blog and how he is collecting stories about dating a widower....

This made me reflect a bit... my old blog has many many posts about being a widow, how to deal with some of it, and my thoughts at that time. I finally ventured away from that blog because I feel like I have evolved as a person. Sure, I'm still a "widow" by definition but I am very happily remarried and my life is not the same one it was back then...

Then I read one of my post from all the way back in January of 2008.... Blessed Twice... Here's a refresher if you missed it....

"So I've learned something else lately....

After Ryan died I had a good many thoughts running through my head about the concepts of love, partnership, being alone, being independent, being strong, and I'm sure many other things but those are just a few....

Ryan was my best friend.... he was a one in a million kind of man that other men want to look up to or want to follow in his footsteps. When he was taken I couldn't believe how unfortunate it was that I had found something so great and lost something that I wondered if I would ever find again....

There were a few trial and errors in the time following. In a long discussion one night with a close friend I was informed (in close to the exact quote)... "Dana, you realize you are a BIG package. You have a lot that comes with being in a relationship with you. You have 3 boys, little boys, and a lot on your plate." I was also told that I had too high of standards for a partner. That I expected too much from one person.

So I sat down and I went over these things in my ever churning mind. I came to a few conclusions about myself....

1. If a man loves me, and not my children, then I can't love him back.... my friend said it right. I AM a BIG package.... but it's MY package and I will never trade my love for the love of my children. They are my life and I am their future.

2. A man can treat my children wonderful but if I'm not happy, then the only place for him is friendship. I will not sacrifice my own happiness of loving someone when it can be a great friendship and still not hurt my children.

3. I am very happy being single for as long as I need to be. I have no problem with having many friends in my life, all of which are there for different reasons. I learned to satisfy my emotional and physical needs from a wide variety of people who are all still in my life today.

4. I will not let my children really know someone unless I am comfortable with it. I will not scar them and have men walking in and out of there lives to satisfy my own needs or wants.

5. I can be a single mother. I don't NEED someone to take their father's place. They have a dad and no one can replace this. He may not be here but I still am and it's my job to care for them.

6. When and if a man is ready to take me and my package on, it also comes with Ryan. His pictures are still up, we speak his name daily, and his children will know who he was, if at least in spirit.

So with all these things..... I sat out on a road of contentment. I was perfectly happy going to bed at night alone. I was perfectly happy with just making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. I am financially stable and smart enough to not depend on a partner anymore....

Until I met you, John. You fit into my friend category for a long time. We were music buddies, coffee buddies, beer buddies, hanging out in my front yard in PJ's buddies.... for half a year you were just a great person the I was getting to know. I was hell bent on being single and being ok.... until one day it hit me.... I really loved you.

Some how you became that person to me. I let you get to know my boys and you surpassed any of those expectations. You are a wonderful father to your own daughter and you treat my children the same. You have NEVER batted an eye when it comes to them. You laugh and play with them as well as you teach them responsibility and accountability. You treat them as you treat your own. I am proud and confident that you will remain in their lives no matter where our lives take us.... but that brings me to us. You are incredible. You love me like only one other person has before. You accept me for every little part of me. You accept me with Ryan still present in my everyday thoughts and words. You have never made me feel like I have to explain to you how important he was.... You make me realize my own good and my faults. You encourage my independence but are always there for me when I need help. You have never let me down when I have needed you. You make every single day better just waking up next to you. I feel more alive right now then I have for a long time and I have you to thank for that. You also delight me in more ways then you know. I laugh more easily with you then with anyone else. I feel electrified when you look at me, hold me, embrace me, and kiss me. The words you speak to me, and write to me, and whisper to me are better then any flowers or diamonds you could ever buy me. And the best part is that you were my friend first. I feel like I fell in love with you knowing what I needed to know that would make us last and for a long time. And I feel very special thinking about us because I realize I have been blessed twice. I have found not only a one in a million but two in a million and it's amazing. I look forward to knowing even more about you and planning bits of our future with you. I am more in love with you then I thought would be possible for a long time and i am proud to tell the world every bit of this-- especially you."

To which John rebutted with....

"I've been thinking about this blog since you first gave me the opportunity to read it, the moment I felt the tear well in the corner of my eye and I wiped it away spryly for as to not let you see and I had the immense rush of butterflies fill my belly and felt my heart pounding in my chest. No one has ever put into words such kind things about me in my entire life. I love you for that, for the feeling that you give me, the feelings that I feel to my very core. And so, I felt it was time for my rebuttal, mind all of you reading this, it is very likely that my words are less likely to be eloquent and as well thought out as Dana's...I'm a bit of a rambler when I write...sorry.

But to begin, I wanted to say something about you being a "big package". I've never had that feeling at all you are not a "big package". I think of you more as a big present, the kind you get at Christmas, the one that your parents hide from you until everyone is done opening all of their gifts, and they come into the living room with one more gift for you, the one you really wanted, impeccably wrapped with a giant bow on it. You are a big present, the kind you've waited your whole life for, the one that you feel blessed to receive. Your love is that gift, one that I get to open everyday and see what's inside, the one I've always wanted. But, you are right, Dana, it's a big present, one I absolutely love. I get to spend nearly everyday with your wonderful children, who are in every sense of the word absolutely wonderful. I get to play broomball with your boys in the living room, I get to teach Izeah how to make eggs and teach Zak about making coffee and the importance of using lots of scoops. I've got to build a snowman with them and watch them laugh jubilantly as they sled down a hill of fluffy white snow. I got to have a big boy breakfast with Zane and tell him about the importance of using a fork. I get to hear them laugh and smile and be at the bottom of the dog pile. These things are not a package, they are gifts...gifts that I feel blessed for everyday. I get to hear all three of your boys dote on my own daughter every time her name is mentioned. I am the one who feels blessed here.

I also feel very blessed to hear the words that you speak of Ryan, a man I never met, but I see everyday in the eyes of his children. A man I admire from everything I've ever heard of him. It is a blessing of mine that you share the love you have for him with me when you speak his name. For me it is not a sense of accepting but more of the "big present" I get to open everyday.

But like your words, that brings me to you and the blessing that I feel for having you in my life. Saying you are amazing is an understatement. You are incredible and more. You love me for every little piece of me...even the pieces I hide from others....my reserve, my mystery, my dorkiness, my obsession with the food network....to name a few...these are all things that you love me for...things that make me, me. You are a beautiful woman (stop shaking your head) that I am always happy to stand next to (even when you wear really tall heels), a woman who's smile lights up my world, with beautiful lips that I can never stray too far from....I catch myself walking away from you only to return very abruptly to feel your lips once again. I feel at ease, calm, at peace with my spirit, and graceful being in your presence. I can honestly say I've never felt better or more complete in my entire life. Every challenge that poses itself to me, feels minuscule in nature with you by my side. Everyday is more joyous with you in my life. As I go through the most recent change in my life, I'm excited to have you with me and by my side. And we were friends first, I got to know you on a strictly platonic level as we negotiated our lives to come to a place where I could be completely comfortable giving you all of me, my heart, my love, without reserve or hesitation. We spent many days together drinking coffee or beer talking about music and laughing about life...but now we get to do the same thing with a new and beautiful twist on our friendship....we get to be in love. I feel blessed that we share many of the same goals and dreams and my dreams all are brighter with you and the big present that you are in them.

You are a blessing to me, all of you, you as a big present and all. I spent many moments in my life praying for the blessing of love, when I was ready to become part of my life. This is one blessing that I thank God for every single day. The blessing of you, my big present, you Dana. "

So why did I repost all this?

Because I still love him the exact same way. I think lately, with all my little Life Bombs going off, we sometimes get wrapped up in our lives and we forget to share how much we love each other in our daily routines....

This was just a beautiful reminder to me that I am loved and very fortunate to have married the same wonderful person who wrote half of the above words.... and yes, we still share this same love. Sure, it has grown now and of course not everyday is all roses and sunshine, but this love is still there. In every ounce of my being, I still feel this love every single day.

That 1 Guy

2011-01-24T14:32:00.001-08:00

Soooo..... a friend texted me asking if That 1 Guy came to The Redstone Room, would I come?

HELLZ YES.

Now, we need to drum up a following and about 100 people that say they would come see him! I, personally am going to contact him about doing a small presentation at the kids school as well..... he's THAT amazing.

He plays a Magic Pipe.

We have followed him all over the country and John and I work Street Team for him as well. We've seen him in Florida, Chicago, and Iowa City to name a few. Every performance is awesome. I am in awe of his musical brilliance and sheer intelligence at playing his self-made musical instrument. He's F%^&ing awesome. Period.

You can find him HERE

Here are some pics of us seeing him.....

And if you have time.... here are a few videos of some of his live performances. I HIGHLY suggest watching his "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" rendition. It is lengthy in time but seriously calming music to your ears....

The UN-Educated Education

2011-01-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

Right now, in conjunction with figuring out a far more healthy diet, I am also obsessed with Indian food. Oooooooohhhh baby... num num num.

SO I've started looking into recipes and the traditional manner in which to prepare certain Indian dishes I have come to like over time.... which today found me talking to a friend, who is Indian, and whose parents are native to India.

In the course of our conversation today she was sharing that Indian cooking is pretty much an all consuming task. You cook from sun up until sun down, well, the females do, and the men tend to the crops, livestock, etc. By the time you have prepared a dish, eaten the meal, and cleaned up, it is time to start the NEXT meal of the day.

And as a side note, she mentions, "Well... it's what they DO. They're not really, you know, educated."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Isn't it amazing how ONE sentence can just cause your brain to go into a tail spin of thought???

Ok, maybe not yours, but it sure did mine :)

As I've been dissecting my relationship with food, and our lifestyle at the same time, that ONE sentence really struck me as odd.

That one statement holds A LOT of truth.... A truth that, in the past, I have viewed as negative. But now I think, why? Why is being NOT educated so negative?

The truth is that yes, many uneducated people spend a lot of their time doing SIMPLE things. They live their lives for the fulfillment of their basic bodily needs. They tend the crops, and they spend a daytime preparing the meals. They use ingredients that are on hand and mostly local. They spend GOOD QUALITY time preparing nutritious and unprocessed meals. Meals made from scratch and with, I can only assume, raw and organic ingredients. Those uneducated people spend time together in meal preparation talking, sharing, and bonding. They also spend time outside doing healthy and honest work, in the sun and in the dirt. They are physically active. (Yes, gardening is a very physical activity... and if you doubt me, grow one, I dare you too.)

The flip side of this truth? Well let's see.... I'm educated. And I can certainly tell you what this education has done to me.... My education was so that I could have a job. This job in turn provides me with money, that I spend on food at the grocery store, mostly on food that is NOT raw, organic, nor nutritious in nature. My education has reduced the time in which I can prepare these meals as well... since being educated leads to being involved in many other activities outside of a job. Let's just keep it going now.... where did I get my education? Well I'm so glad you asked! I received an education that is controlled by our government. This is also the same government that controls most of the production of the most unhealthy foods I eat! Anyone ever wonder WHY the government created a food pyramid that says we should eat mostly grains? Think about it peoples... where do you think corn/wheat/soy farmers receive their subsidies from?

Yep, I'm THAT educated. And so are you!

I also find it absolutely amazing that the MORE I keep educating myself, the more I realize how being UNeducated might have it's glowing points. Now I must step back a tad bit here.... I'm not saying, gee, I wish I was raised stupid. I am very thankful I have an education.

BUT in looking at these uneducated practices.... I want to learn from them, not shame them. I want to dissect if they are TRULY uneducated, or if they are actually more intelligent in some ways then we are in Western societies. Research is proving that some of these uneducated people actually DO hold the key... they are called Blue Zones in case you are wondering... in these Blue Zones... these uneducated and poor people actually live healthier, live longer, have very little stress, and live a full and happy life.

Now how about that?

Weekend Away

2011-01-15T08:58:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

Yes, exactly how I was able to relax last weekend.

I warned ya, life is slowing down around here and we kicked it off with a weekend of rest and relaxation with just Mommy and Johnny.

It was grand.

I want that every weekend.

It was perfect.

We found a nice little 3 bedroom lodge right on the out skirts of Mineral Point, WI. MapleWood Lodge. Just one lodge, nothing fancy. 3 bedrooms on 26 secluded acres. Total SILENCE.

The lodge was fantastic. It had so many rooms to sit and relax in that John and I could barely decide where to plant our tooshies the first night.

(Amazing Living Room)

Turns out my favorite spot was right by the front door.... 2 chairs, a little table, my books, my knitting, and 2 beautiful windows to watch the sun rise and fall from....

There were so many little quirks too.... I think I spent each day just walking around the house for a little while noticing all the oddities that made it so unique...

And yes... we had TIME. Time to cook the most perfect and splendid breakfast on Saturday morning in this kitchen.......

Eggs Benedict from scratch, YUMMO. I fixed up a little Olive Oil based Spinach Cole Slaw on the side for mine....

Your mouth is watering now right??? I know, mine is too...

We got to go see House on the Rock as well.

We went in the off season so we got a limited guided tour but I am positive that my kids are going this summer... it's pretty awesome. I love JUNK. Just love love love it! Yet, I met a man who loved junk more!

We unfortunately forgot out good camera on this trip but my phone did so-so OK....

(This was in the Women's Bathroom! I coulda peed with the stall door open!)

(Stained glass was present EVERYWHERE)

(Anything Musical is just incredible... After John watched this his exact quote was, "My mind is blown." :)

I swear Alex Jordan did multiple drugs... it was amazing. It's a place you should really see on a daytime adventure if you haven't already :) The only down side was the GUIDED tour. I'm not much of a guided tour fan... sure, it has it's moments, like if you have a question, you do have someone who knows more then you do available for an answer but hey... I have Google on my phone.

SO yeah, summertime it's my goal with the kiddos.... and I'll bring a better camera too :)

In conclusion... relaxation was acheived. Returning to the real world was hard. However, my attitude is much better and I am definintly re-focused.

Awesome.

My 2010 Disappointments

2010-12-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

I suppose this might be the obligatory post that I'm supposed to write after the new year but I suck at those kinds of posts so instead, I shall flog myself.

2010 was a very decent year... as are all years in the whole grand scheme of things. I used to believe that "bad" years are put behind us and a new year meant hoping for a "good" year BUT... I now believe that's a load of crap :) We all have years that are good and bad, and they all fade into one long running memory that shapes and molds us into new little person's whenever we so chose to let it happen....

That being said, I shall finish with my self flogging here.

I have been very moody lately and it has a lot to do, I believe, with the reflections I did do for myself of the past year.... So I'm going to a construct a "How I disappointed MYSELF" list and see if I can jump start my happy little tooshie into re-directing myself back onto the right track.

1. DIET

WHAT I BELIEVE:

For the longest time, I have been trying to find a better diet for my family and for myself. I have a horrid DISLIKE for Western Culture and the eating habits taught and associated with it. The American diet is full of nothing but junk. Processed foods, meat with hormones, government controlled crops, fat, etc. I believe this diet is one of THE MAIN contributing factors to poor mental and physical health, medication abuse, and is the root cause of many ailments that plague us as a society today.

WHAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR:

I have failed, and failed miserably. With the increase in activity in our lives, I have taken the easy way out. McDonald's and quick fix processed food dinners have become my crutch. And that's their job.... they are in business to be this crutch for the too-busy-lifestyle. As a result, I feel stressed, we have all been more "ill" then normal, and I generally feel like crap. I even had to get rid of a lot of our garden produce due to the fact that I didn't have suitable time to care for, harvest, and properly store many of the delicious and natural things I produced for the year.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

It's time to step back and take a breath. I am currently going to read, "Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson and I hope it inspires me. I will get better at meal planning. I will get better at discussing what is for dinner the day BEFORE said dinner instead of 5 minutes before it has to be on the table. I have pinpointed some of mine and my families ailments and I will be altering our diet to help with these ailments instead of continually digesting medication that doesn't FIX the problem but just hides us from being in touch with our bodies.

2. MADE BY HAND AND CREATION

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe that something home made is 100% better then anything you may purchase from mass production. It also enables the brain. To create things home made you have to learn the skill, take the time, and physically do the work. It also can create a greater sense of satisfaction. I don't know about you but when I BUY a hat, I simply make the purchase. Now, learning to knit a hat??? That takes time and skill, and when I'm done with it, the satisfaction must cause a boost in Serotonin because I literally am HAPPY. Also, my mind must be FREE to create. I can't very well create or make products if all I can think of is how tired I am, how much "stuff" I have to do, etc.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Once again, busy busy busy! When I am busy, my mind has NO desire to create. I KNOW I can paint one helluva picture but if you put a blank canvas in front of stressed out me, I will produce nothing. My mind is simply too busy to create. We have been buying more things then necessary for this house, all due to lack of time and interest in seeing if there is an alternative to spending money in a mass consumer driven market. We are purchasing purchasing purchasing and it is horrible. We have spent more money then is necessary, we don't take care of things like we used to, and we have been utilizing the concept of "quick fix" versus patience and creation.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Yep, belts will be tightened. I am tired of wasting money money on products that have no value to me as a person and that will break. It's the story of stuff peoples.... the more you buy, the more it breaks, the more we buy again. It's a nasty ass cycle of consumption and we will be sitting back and start making better decisions about purchases around here. There will be no more of this, "I need **fill in the blank**, so I'm going to Walmart." Instead, when we need to purchase things, we will start by discussing those "things" necessity. Do we REALLY need this item? Or do we THINK we need this item. What is the price? Can we make it ourselves? Can we survive with OUT this item? Yes, my family, the belts shall tighten. (John, don't roll your eyes too much please :)

3. MY NEUROSIS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I have always been OCD a tad. I DO believe in a clean house (everything has a place). Yet I used to understand that messes will happen, things will become disorganized, and chores may take some time to complete.

WHAT HAPPENED:

I have done lost it. I have let my OCD come straight up to the surface and it is unhealthy for myself and my children. I have become extremely stressed about keeping up with "housework" and "cleaning". I have become so obsessed with it that I have forgotten that the time I am taking to clean and organize could be time better spent with my children and family. I find myself yelling at the children a lot more, and for what? Because they are children? Because they PLAY with things? I have let a "clean house" become my focus. I have let my neurotic attitude take over my conscious decisions. I am BAD.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Ok, this one is a 50/50 thing. Yes, the house will still be clean... I can't function in a complete mess. Yet, I am OVER being so anal about it! My brain needs a break and my kids need that break as well!

4. MY ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIONS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe Global Warming is very real and very scary. I believe that I should do everything in my power to leave a very small carbon footprint on this earth. I believe Bill McKibben. I want to learn more about this and dive into it head first. I believe we should promote and support all political and societal actions that directly affect global warming and climate change. I believe that one person can make a difference here by educating others and helping where and when needed.

WHAT HAPPENED:

I have been a very very BAD environmentalist as of lately. Of course I still recycle and the major things but I have stopped progressing forwards in learning how else I can affect the earth less. I have been very disposable and un-ecofriendly in the last 6 months. I have been driving and not walking, I have been throwing stuff away, I have been "whatever is easier is better". This is probably one of the bigger disappointments for myself really.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Watch out biotches! I am BACK. I am ashamed of how I have been living and it's going to stop RIGHT NOW. I am going to re-read "Eaarth" and my butt is heading to the library once again to arm myself with invaluable knowledge to keep me just uncomfortable enough to kick start my old eco friendly habits!

5. BUSY BUSY BUSY

WHAT I BELIEVE:

When I became a stay at home momma, I realized that a slower life was so much better for me and my family. I was able to take time to educate myself about interests, I learned to create "things" again, I was able to freely volunteer my time with the children, and I was able to invest time into being "bored" (really, it's an art form, and if you can't do it, you need to learn how). I believe that the more we rush and over schedule our selves, the more we forget about what exactly is important in life and we disregard what we believe in. The more hurried I am the more I spend, the worse I eat, the worse I feel, the worse my attitude is, basically, all of the above.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Me. I happened. I done let myself get way over scheduled and way too busy. I went from working on all the things I felt were important to trying to jumble all of that PLUS going back to work and volunteering to be PTA president for a school that has a SERIOUS lack of parental volunteers. I let the kids start to be over scheduled and I also forgot about the power of the word "NO".

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Yep folks, you guessed it.

Ok, Ok, so I'm not THAT crazy but it is time to retreat. It is time to pull back from making sure everyone else is happy and time to recenter the focus on my family and I. We are all suffering from this being to busy stuff and it's time we all had a little more happiness again. It's time for me to set boundaries. It's time to not be the "go to" person. It's time to learn how to say NO again.

6. CHRISTMAS

WHAT I BELIEVE:

I dislike Christmas. Not to say I dislike the holiday but I dislike what it has become for myself and the children. We do not practice a set religion in this house however I chose to believe that Christmas, besides it's religious implications, is a time to GIVE. It is NOT TIME TO WANT. It is the most materialistic bullshit holiday that quite literally makes me crazy. (Hmmmm..... maybe part of the reason for this blog???)

WHAT HAPPENED:

I let go. I let go of what I believe in and got caught up in just getting by. I made the obligatory Christmas List and bought everyone I was SUPPOSED to a present. I barely made any gifts by hand. I SUCKED. My children have started to fall into the horrible routine of EXPECTING presents. Literally KNOWING that they will be getting a lot of presents form a lot of people.

WHAT I PLAN TO DO:

Oh yeah, this is BIG in my world. I am very seriously entertaining the thought of BOYCOTTING CHRISTMAS next year. I have totally done the math over and over again in my head and for the money and time we spent on Christmas this year.... we could have all taken an amazing vacation and not felt pressured to be anywhere or to buy certain things. It is very hard to go against family traditions, yes, but looking at how our Christmas went, I would trade it in for cabin in the woods in Montana for a week with just the kids....

Wow. I was REALLY disappointing this past year!!

Now, before people assume this... I am not looking for a pity party and don't want anyone to say, "You're being to hard on yourself." Truth be told, I am HAPPY that these disappointments came about because when I sat down and thought about how bad and disappointing I was, it fueled my inner fire. It made me want to stand up and smack myself! Disappointments are good as long as you can sit back and tell yourself, "It's time to do much better."

SO.... veering SHARPLY back into the slow lane... it's time to implement change and I found a great way to start it off! John and I are taking a break. We found a lodge on 26 secluded acres and this little trip is a MUST DO. We need a break from all the fast paced and busy work. We need time to reconnect with each other and ourselves. I am hoping this will jump start my mind and attitude on fixing all of these little road blocks I have identified....

So until I blog again....

How Words Define Us

2010-11-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading this post by a fellow blogger, anniegirl1138, yesterday and it started the wheels in my brain turning....

The post is an opinion from a widow about being widowed and how some people in this "widow club" chose to forever define themselves in this manner. Some of these other widows have turned this into their life's work, helping others, listening to their tragic stories, and befriending these other widows for strength and support.

Is this bad? Well, no. In general, it's a rather good idea. When Ryan died, I didn't know what to do, how to feel, and I too chose to utilize these support groups. I felt like other widows were people I could identify with, people who could understand this loss I had experienced and feel my pain with me....

Then after only a few short months, I quit. I deleted all my "widow board" accounts, stopped reading posts at YWBB, stopped talking to people about the fact that I was widowed.

Why? Because it's NOT MY DEFINITION.

After reading and writing and sharing with these fellow widows, I realized something. I realized that many, many, many other widows chose to keep this identity for reasons that are not healthy to the psyche. They not only use it to define their "marital status" anymore, they use it as an excuse to drone on this sad yet natural part of life. It's kind of like taking a word, one simple word, and wrapping yourself into it as if you can cocoon yourself from all else that is happening around you.

Then I started to think some more.... God help us all now... :)

People do this EVERY DAY. We all do it. We find words to describe who and what we are. We take our race, heritage, sexual orientation, lifestyle, all of these and pick and chose words to define ourselves. It's like we must live with in these squared off boxes of definition so that we feel better about ourselves. We take titles to give us excuses to act in a certain manner or to justify our beliefs.

Yet we don't have to. We are not words. We are not one set of words and that should never be our definition. Shit, I have a LIST of definitions: Woman, white, straight, mother, widow, wife, nurse, bohemian, artist, dancer, activist, volunteer, employee, horrible writer (hahahaha), and many more.... I am all of these. However I never live inside the boundaries of any one definition.

I find it truly sad that people strive to live with in the boundaries of these definitions. It's so constricting and actually can be counter productive to living a very full life. Personally, I see life as a process, an ever evolving and changing process that we take on one day at a time. Whose to say I will be the same person tomorrow that I am today? I like changing my mask from time to time, it leaves so many options out there for myself and also can create a more well rounded and full individual. It makes me feel complete to know that I don't need a definition to define myself.

SO in regards to being a widow... I prefer to live by this little ditty instead:

"I am not what happened yesterday, I am what I am today, and I will be what I chose to be tomorrow...."

And every single day I wake up being ME. Just me, Dana, my name. All definitions and words included in one package that I can guarantee you, it will change. :)

We Heart Zombies...

2010-10-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has kids knows that Halloween is a crazy time... been busy... enjoy the pics!

Classy Zombies...

When they ALL try to walk like the dead....

Yes, even mom was a zombie!

Tryin to look dead...

2nd night for this guy...

Perfect!

Izeah and his zombie walk...

Good job babe :)

He's a sexy zombie :)

Zane.... the zombie PIRATE! ARGHHHHHHH.....

Izeah and his wound...

Kayla

Watch out!!! We're coming for YOU!

Thoughts on Death, Dreams, and the Betweens...

2010-10-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

For an obvious reason, Death is always on my mind. I suppose I'm slightly morbid but it has directly affected my life in the past and through this, I learned to embrace it as just another beautiful part of this life. Yes, It's a topic that most people don't want to discuss or consider to be inappropriate to discuss, but, when am I ever actually appropriate? ;)

Moving on now.... When Ryan died, I stopped dreaming. I don't know the actual reason why, all though I am aware that in the stages of sleep, I was probably burying my situational depression by sleeping heavily and not ever actually reaching my REM stage.... but it's whatever. I just dealt with it. Then when I started dating John, I started to dream again. Not a lot, I can now maybe still only recall one a week but at least I've been dreaming again....

Yet, the last two have bugged me a bit... Ryan keeps coming into my dreams... Now before you think I'm getting all funny, no, not like coming into my dreams with a message or anything psychic wise, but just IN the dream, as if he never left this life. The first dream, he just appeared, like he had come back from the beyond to take care of his children.... The second dream (last night) we were at his parents house and I turned around and he was standing there hugging his mother. He was dressed like John but it was him. In each dream though, I am still aware that he is dead. It's like my subconscious and my conscious are fighting in my dreams....

Then it dawned on me today.... my aunt is nearing her final stages in her fight with cancer. My mother has been filling me in and we are all aware of which road this may take for her. Of course, we hope for the best, but I've learned in my career and in life that hoping for the best yet expecting the worse is the more common sense approach to death. This aunt was probably one of my closer relatives growing up. One of the aunts I saw more and I played with her kids growing up too....

Maybe this impending sadness is what is triggering these dreams? Maybe I chose to live life most days without thinking about the ACTION of death and when it surfaces, maybe it's when I feel the closest to death via Ryan...

Either way, music has always been my savior. Music and lyrics written by talented artists can sometimes feel that void I have when I'm at a loss for words. Lately I've been in love with Mumford and Sons (thank you hubby :). They have a song called Timshel that has to be one of the best songs I have heard that I interpret to correlate with thoughts on death.... Have a listen if you care too and I even put the lyrics on for you to follow along...

So with my dreams, death, and music.... this song grants me some peace :)

Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

And you are the mother

The mother of your baby child

The one to whom you gave life

And you have your choices

And these are what make man great

His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

And I will tell the night

Whisper, "Lose your sight"

But I can't move the mountains for you

IT'S GLOBAL WORK PARTY DAY!!!!!

2010-10-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

That's right my peoples... it's 10/10/10!!!!!

And no, it's not significant to me due to the correlation of the numbers. It's GLOBAL WORK PARTY DAY! You can read more about it HERE. If that didn't work.... just go to 350.org and take a look!

Today is the day that Bill McKibben asked people from ALL OVER the world to go to work for climate change. Every country, every person, despite their race, color, or religion. There is no segregation or classes or boundaries when it comes to MOTHER EARTH. We are ALL her children. We need her love and health to continue on this planet. This post goes out to every single person I know and even don't know.....

PAT ATTENTION TO OUR HOME. PAY ATTENTION TO OUR PLANET.

Now, on to the global work party.

John and I tried very hard to come up with many ideas for this fantastic day.... and we failed horribly. We wanted to hold a class and buy 35 recycled barrels and teach others how to make their own rain barrels and compost tumblers. This failed. We wanted to find 35 people to plant 10 trees each. This failed. We searched for events near us that we could participate in with our children. This failed.

All I saw was failure.

So as I lay in bed this morning.... thinking to myself.... geez, for someone who cares so deeply about this Earth, I sure did FAIL.

Then it hit me... I haven't failed at all.

I don't need ONE day to do something good for the earth. I do it everyday. At least, we TRY every. single. day. to live on this planet in a more earth-friendly way.... I'm sure if you know me or read this blog, you already know the long list of things we do every day to reduce our carbon emissions, produce less trash, and live a more healthy life style. I even have documented struggles with this on my past blog. It is truly a daily struggle to remember to be friendly to the earth as we all live our fast paced lives....

And in thinking all this... I found my global work party that I want YOU ALL TO JOIN ME IN!!!!!!!

Here's the deal:

MAKE ME (and yourself) a PROMISE.

Open your eyes. Get your head out of the dirt. Stop living the lazy, stupid, American way of life. Get your hands in the dirt. Buy a bike. Go get a recycling bin and for goodness sakes, RECYCLE! Plant a flower, plant a tree. Plan a garden for next year. Stop buying your food at Wal-mart and find a local farmer. Get a rain barrel. Compost your kitchen scraps. Read a book about climate change. Talk to your friends about climate change. Buy used. If something breaks, FIX IT! Don't buy a new one. Run your heat less. Install a wood burning stove. Learn a new hands on skill. Take a walk to the gas station, not the car. Spend time outside. Throw away "anti-bacterial" soap and buy BIODEGRADABLE SOAP.Collect your seeds from your garden. Cut down on foods that contain government regulated corn, soy, and wheat. STOP LIVING THE AMERICAN WAY.

You can all do it. Don't be afraid of work. Don't be afraid of hard work. It's not only good for the earth but good for your body as well.

NOW MAKE ME A PROMISE.

My goal today is 35 comments. I want 35 PROMISES from my friends. I want 35 people to tell me JUST ONE THING that you are going to do to recognize climate change.

Leave a comment here, or on my Facebook status. COME ON PEOPLES!!!!!!! STAND UP FOR CLIMATE CHANGE. Look at your child, or your spouse. DO you want to grow old with them? Do you want to see them grow up and have children of their own? Then this is important. More important than most of you can fathom.

SO make me a promise. In making this promise... you can be a part of this:

Zane, Red Heads, and Eyelid Stitching...

2010-10-05T06:24:00.000-07:00

Little two part posting here...

Zane is the accident prone child here I swear.

Last night, apparently (since I didn't see it) our metal gate swung back and hit little man square in the damn eye! I was afraid for him to remove his hand from said wound based on his amount of screaming! Once removed, he most definitely tore his eyelid! (EWWWWWWYYYY!!!!) (Yes, even as a nurse! Eyes are just something I don't deal well with, eyes and toes!) Soooo.... off to the ER we went... I figured it would need SOMETHING. It was ripped pretty good...

Well, 5 hours later, he finally received 2 stitches. However, the reason for this post is my child's AMAZING tolerance to medications! First we tried eye numbing drops. This did not work that well, so we restrained him and did a Lidocaine injection. We tried to restrain him for the stitches but failed. Zane is one STRONG little child! So we attempted oral chloral hydrate (a sedative). Nurse and I both figured ten minutes and he would be out... yeah, not so much. 40 minutes later he was still up and bouncing off the walls, so we gave 4 mg of Morphine to help the sedative. STILL up and bouncing, and on top of it he was pissed we "stuck him in the arm without telling him FIRST".... so restrained again, and yet ANOTHER injection of Lidocaine. FINALLY we were able to hold him down and convince him to let us put the 2 little stitches in.... and done.

So after thoughts here... that was A LOT of pain meds for a 5 year old child. Then it dawned on me... whenever I've had pain medication, it doesn't work so well neither. When they did my toe, the Lidocaine worked but wore off after 30 minutes give or take, and I was PROMISED 4-5 hours. When I gave birth, I had to have stitches in *ahem* my nether regions... and the Lidocaine didn't work at all... (by the way, stitches with no numbing meds aren't too bad, you just have to grin and bear it I suppose). Zane has also had surgery, like myself, and morphine is kind of like a joke... it really only makes my stomach hurt, it NEVER takes away the pain, and it didn't for Zane's surgery neither...

So what do we both have in common?

WE ARE BOTH RED HEADS.

Yep, there's a very SMALL amount of research out there about red heads and apparently, this is one of those moments where I say, "NO WAY!"... but yes way, it's being researched that we red heads have a mutated MC1R gene which the debate is still out as to if we have a high pain tolerance (which I do so they can research me :) but it does show that red heads need more anesthesia then others of different hair color! Very interesting... here's a few links if you're curious...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_hair

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1362956/?tool=pmcentrez

http://blisstree.com/geneticsandhealth/more-on-the-mc1r-gene-red-hair-and-pain-tolerance/

http://surgery.about.com/od/surgeryinthemedia/qt/redheadpain.htm

So bottom line: If you are a red head? Local anesthesia and pain medications may be less effective for you... know this GOING IN, not DURING OR AFTER! :)

Struggling to Educate, or are we?

2010-10-04T06:05:00.001-07:00

I went and did it again. Got my panties all worked up into a bunch over my kids, their intelligence, and school. (This still means I'm a good mother though, correct?)

At each point in Zak and Izeah's lives, I was worried as well. This is nothing new. Zak barely spoke until he was three. I let others' chit chat and worry over his lack of speech over come me and forgot to breath... I worried, read books on development, practiced "adult like speaking" to him ALL THE TIME, etc. Then one day in the kitchen, Zak looked at me and said, "Mom, can I have more juice please?" Clear. As. Day. So basically, he spoke when he was ready. (And now he's such a smarty I never worry.)

Then Izeah went to school. First Kindergarten conference didn't go so well... he was not meeting "standards" set forth by the school district. We buckled down, did flash cards, read to him some more, and by Christmas? It was almost as if a light switch just flipped in his little mind and he was completely caught up. Reading, writing, learning, meeting all of those ever important "standards".

Now it's Zane's turn. Yep, just had conferences. Not so hot, not so hot at all. So I made my little flash cards, have school supplies set to go, and it's time to buckle down once more....

I am worried of course, but last night, having "beer talks" with my husband, I realized a few things....

1. Zane is JUST FINE.

The end. :)

Ok, not really. He will need some extra help of course. I do plan on having "school" at home during their break and we will work daily on simple things I take for granted (ABC's, 123's, all of those small building blocks of knowledge)....

I just need to remember the very basic thing I learned with child number one... I need to throw away those damn parenting books and not pay so much attention to those "standards". Every single child is different and learns at different paces and in different ways. If there is truly a problem, we will know. Zane is bright, funny, inquisitive, friendly, and has a heart of gold. All things that will make him a unique and beautiful person. I need to remember that I'm going to love him whether he meets those "standards" or not. I need to remind myself to take a deep breath.

"It's important that you not try to pre-determine your child's academic future. You can fit a square peg in a round hole if you have a big enough hammer and don't care about how you go about squeezing it in. But this certainly isn't the most effective method. It would be better to find the right hole to put that peg in."

Sometimes I just need to review....

2010-08-18T07:30:00.001-07:00

Whoa.

That's exactly how I have felt in the last few weeks.

I am NOT centered nor grounded right now...

I have had experiences, have had numerous important and defining conversations and debates with my hubby and friends, have had family events happen, and all of these have really tested WHAT I believe in as a person.

Right now, I just feel like saying some of what I believe out loud. This is not meant to piss anyone off either directly or indirectly, it's just what I believe....

1. After coming home from Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (more on this later) I am confident that I am a feminist. I find it COMPLETELY empowering to know that I made the choice to be with my children more, raise them with these view points, be married to John, and still maintain a feminist attitude and way of life. There are many females in this world that give a bad meaning to the word "feminist", I would honestly like to believe that I am not one of them and that I give a positive outlook and definition of feminism.

2. I am proud to be surrounded by males in my feminist way of life. I do NOT think males are the enemy, I think they just need to be enlightened as to the ways of a strong woman. Shit, even my dog is male.

3. I am a very good mother. I have faults and yes, I will make mistakes, but everyday I take pride in my whole family. My children may be very energetic, high spirited, and on some days very challenging, but I love them with every part of my being and from others I have heard that they are very kind spirited and loving young men. That makes my heart sing :)

4. When I said I would become PTA President, I will confess... I did not want to be "that" mom. Yet I have realized, I was prejudging the image that I had given to that title. I actually LIKE being PTA President (so far). I like taking the image we all hold of "PTA Presidents" and turning it upside down. I like walking up to school bra-less, gauge eared, multi-colored hair, with tattoos and greeting other parents. I enjoy being a younger mom in this position. Sure, I'll probably make mistakes and it will take time to really get to know everyone but I love shattering society based images of certain people with titles.

5. I am still anti-technology. Not horribly though.... I know the basics of computer use, I own and use a Droid, and I've even been known to answer a few techy questions. However, I still do not ever desire or feel like I need the latest and greatest tech gadget that just hit the market. I will never be that way. (Sorry John)

6. I believe in giving everyone a shot when it comes to being a friend. I think that we are all unique individuals. I also believe that everyone you meet in your life can have meaning for you at some point. People come into and flow out of our lives sometimes for reasons far beyond our understanding. I don't feel I can be a well rounded nor well grounded individual unless I let go of barriers that may prevent me from having the opportunity to learn something or to develop a great friendship.

7. That being said (above), I am currently working on letting go of hazardous relationships. No good friendship is one sided. Also, no one will hurt my children. I'm learning the differences between being used and being in a reciprocal relationship. I have let certain relationships take over my life and over shadow my beliefs in the past, and that is currently all changing. Yes, this hurts in some ways, yet the end result will be much more healthy. I will not live in unhealthy relationships.

8. I will never be able to keep up with the Jones' so I don't even bother trying.

9. I like thrift shopping, bargain hunting, reusing items, or recycling them into another form. You can call me cheap if you want but I down right love it.

10. After the first year of marriage to my husband, I have come to the conclusion that we will always fight. I am Alpha Female, he is Alpha Male. We will just have to agree to disagree on certain things. Makes fighting more enjoyable :)

So yeah, that's some of me in a nutshell. Feels awesome to review some of my core beliefs in this life.

(and a big thank you to the woman in this pic, Nina. You've inspired me to take stock more then you probably know... and of course, where this pic was taken will never be forgotten! Ha!)

Oh. My. Goodness.

2010-07-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

AGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Bill McKibben (the author of "Eaarth") is coming here to speak!!!! Only about 10 blocks from my house! And it's FREE! And I seriously love this man right now. He is so freakin' smart.

ONCE AGAIN.... Check him out HERE

Seriously. You guys should go and just listen to what he says. October 17th @ St. Paul on Brady Street.

I'm going.... are you???? :)

One Day...

2010-07-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

Finished the book. Awesome. Forming thoughts and actions. Even more awesome. Until I can sit and post something, here's a song that I am obsessed with lately. It's beautiful and amazing. (I'm still sad I missed the chance to see him this summer too!)

EaArth

2010-07-27T06:04:00.001-07:00

Back to Peak Oil and Climate Change.

Quite honestly, it just blows my mind! I feel like I have spent a good portion of my life in a deep sleep and now I feel like my eyes are WIDE OPEN. I've lived with blinders on for my entire adult life up until a few years ago.... and it's heart breaking to me. It's heart breaking and exhilarating all at the same time.

Yet, I have so many questions too.... How did I grow up NOT knowing this? Why did it take me, and you, so many years to finally just start to understand what so many scientists, environmentalists, scholars, and so many others have known for decades? How do we as a WHOLE WORLD plan to embrace this change? How do we fix it? How can I ALONE help in this battle against Mother Nature (and boy oh boy is she PISSED)?

Well John checked out this book from the library:

"Eaarth" by Bill McKibben

Simply put, it's pretty amazing. I've still got one chapter left but for the first time in a long time, I am so interested in this book that I'm proud to say I HAVE NOT been speed reading! It's too important to me to understand exactly what is happening that I have to read it slowly, absorbing every fact, re-reading every statistic, and learning how to be progressive in this life on a new planet.

I will warn you, the first few chapters are very morose. Very "if we don't change we will all perish on this great earth" attitude. Very IN YOUR FACE.

But it's awesome. It opens your eyes even farther and lets you in on how and why this is such a drastic and monumental time in history. The author also makes it so easily understandable. He takes the hard to decipher statistics and facts and brings it down to reality for you. Takes you out of the big world and says, "Look around you! Look at where you live! Look what is happening right in your back yard and tell me global warming isn't happening or that peak oil isn't happening." To look at it locally for a second... For some of my local readers.... flooding? Torrential rains and storms? How many floods did our parents encounter living here on the Mississippi? Now how many have WE encountered? Read this book, it will tell you EXACTLY why we have so many more floods then our parents ever dreamed they would.... Don't like the heat? Summer's are getting more hot? Well get used to it peoples, it's the way it's gonna roll....

Yet, it's scary. It's SO scary. Every time I look at the kids I feel my heart going out to them in hopes that we as human beings can change this course so that they might have a chance to live just as full a life as I have been given.

This book makes me want to change deep down inside. More change then I've already done. A full and complete change in life style.

Yet, that is hard too. It's not just so easy to give up our everyday lives and give everything we have away and learn to function on a whole lot less.... yet that's why it's so exciting!!! I can't tell you how much LESS stress it is to function in a more simple manor then living in the modern world... soooo much less stress.

So onwards and upwards! When I'm done with this book, I expect a whole lot more ramblings to come out of my mouth... look out!

--------------------------------

Things I have done, or will do, today to reduce my oil dependence/live a more sustainable lifestyle:

1. I have NO car today! I'm actually not too upset about this one. Sure, it's stressful having to plan a day around this with children and the fact that we usually have both cars, but I'm excited to HAVE to learn to do with out. To rely on community and family to help my children get to where they need to be. To rely on my own two feet to get to places I need to be today. Exciting! And also good for my butt may I add :)

2. Yesterday, since I was busy, John blanched and froze some of our green beans and squash for use at a later date.

3. I learned to can pickles! (Which if anyone knows me, canning scares that crap out of me....)

4. "Eaarth" is from the library. Borrow, trade, barter. Awesome.

5. I'm hanging clothes to dry today.

6. As is everyday, I recycle, I help my friends, I support my community, and I try to enrich my children's lives with education every single chance I get.

One choice... Four years ago....

2010-07-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

"I am not what happened yesterday. I am what I am today. And I will be what I chose to be tomorrow."

*************

Four years ago. Yep, it was four years ago today that I was watching them try to put Ryan back together again. Which leads to tomorrow, which will be four years ago tomorrow that for one day in my life, I wasn't given this opportunity to chose what I wanted to be.

There was no choice.

The Universe said, "So sorry... you're a widow now, you get to be a single mom and raise 3 boys alone."

Yet, on this anniversary day I want to not be bitter at the Universe. I want to try to be thankful for how I have changed from this loss of choice...

Thank you for teaching me that I would like to be remembered when it's my turn by my actions, by how I care about others, and by how I gave my time and love to my children.

Thank you for giving me the strength to endure through a mental hell that is hell enough to make grown men cry and leads many others to depression and drug addiction.

Thank you for teaching me how to be more in touch with my emotions, and that is IS okay to cry.

Thank you for teaching me how to appreciate every single breath I take.

Thank you for shooting me like a sling shot into a world which I now know is never planned, counted on, nor promised.

Because of that, thank you for allowing me to now have the knowledge to try to enjoy every moment. Today I sat at a park and watched my kids play... no book, no TV, no Internet... just watching them play.

Thank you for teaching me to respect and love those in my life who respect and love me and my family.

Thank you for teaching me that it is not tolerable to have people in my life who DON'T love and respect me and my family.

Thank you for humbling me and teaching me the hard way about our own mortality.

Thank you for giving me the chance to prove to myself that I AM strong, that I WILL succeed, and that I CAN carry on.

Thank you for opening my eyes to a whole new way of living, by dreaming and making use of a more simple lifestyle.

Thank you for teaching me to be okay with myself. Just myself. Sometimes in life, all we have is ourselves and I am happy that I have found comfort in who I am.

Thank you for showing me that we ALL make choices every single day about what we want to do, how we choose to live, and who we want to be.

Thank you for teaching me to make these choices with my heart.

***********

Ryan,

I miss you. I miss you a lot this time of year. No one will ever make that pain go away. Yet I think, if you happen to be peaking in from time to time, that I am managing okay so far. Your boys are... well... they're boys. They are rambunctious, loud, fun, sweet, caring, and most of all, they are just like you were as a child. They are so smart and so in love with life. They miss you all the time too.... but don't worry, your name is on our lips each day. There is not one day that goes by that we don't speak your name. Some may have forgotten about what happened to you over time, but I never will. They will never forget neither. As long as I'm here, they will know what kind of person you were and how much it must have hurt you to have to say good bye.

Thinking of you and still loving our memories,

Dana and the Boys

We are all here today.... thanks to the stars....

2010-07-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

Do I believe there is a higher power out there? Yes.

Why do I believe there is a higher power out there? Let me tell you a story...

Last night, John and I left to play volleyball around 6. We left the boys with our regular babysitter, who is amazing. She's excellent with children, bright, responsible, over the age of 21, all things that I really like to have when it comes to sitters. Its was our last volleyball night until next season so there was a tournament and a pot luck. We didn't play until 7:30 and we planned on being there til at least 11:00.

But it rained. No, actually it was more like a monsoon. Either way, it did it about 10 minutes before we were supposed to play... and the game was called. We kinda figured that it was only called until the rain let up, but the ref actually called it for the entire night. What!?! Well all right then, guess we'll head home.

We pull in just a smidgen past 8:00, and as soon as we open the back door, we were immediately hit with the smell of gas. IMMEDIATELY. John looked over and the stove was on. He rushed over to turn it off and started opening all the windows. The smell was all through the whole house.... into the living room and upstairs in all the bedrooms...

The babysitter had no clue. How would she though? We get accustomed to an odor in minutes... unless she would have went outside for a bit and came back in, she NEVER would have smelled it! We don't know how it came on neither... last time they were in the kitchen was around 7:00. So the gas had been running for an hour. We weren't mad at her though... shit, it could happen to me or John just as easily.

It all happened so fast that I didn't even really think about it too much.... until today.

WHOA.

My children could have died. DIED. Go ahead, do some Internet searches... Yeah, they could have died last night.

But they didn't. And there is no way I can sit here and say, "Man, we were LUCKY."

I'm sorry, but there has to be a higher power controlling things out there because that was more then just luck.

If we would have stayed and played, even stayed and played in the rain, we wouldn't have been home until maybe it was too late. If the ref would have called it for only a half hour and then went back to playing like we NORMALLY do, it would have been too late.

But it rained. And for some reason, he called the games for the night. And instead of hanging out and having some beers with friends, we came home. And we got home before it was too late.

That's not just luck folks. I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that there was something or someone who aligned the stars just right and my children are all still with me when I woke up this morning. I don't care who or what anyone out there believes in for themselves.... God, The Universe, Yahweh, Allah, Mother Earth, Guardian Angels... I believe that there is something that helped us out last night.

This could have been us:

Survivors had no warning of natural gas leaks

But it's not. And I am immensely grateful to whomever or whatever helped guide us last night.

Council of Dads

2010-07-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

So, taking a mental break from Peak Oil ramblings :)

I really enjoy Time magazine. I especially enjoy the last page, kinda the "Essay" section. This weeks essay part was about a father who knew he was going to die from cancer. He knew this ahead of time, so he formed a "Council of Dads" for his little girls. The council consisted of men that were his friends that he trusted to help raise his daughters after he passed. In forming this council, he realized that he had to clear up with each person exactly how he felt about them and why he chose them. You can read the article HERE.

This article obviously hit home with me a bit. Being as Ryan died suddenly though, there was no time for us to form this council for our boys. Ryan did have some good friends though and I remember after he died, each one of his best friends came forward to tell me that they would help with the boys. They would be there when I needed them if the boys had questions, or just wanted to spend time with them in a "father and son" manner.

This article is a wonderful article and yes, I personally believe that it takes a village to raise a child, but the more I think about this article, the more it actually makes me bitter in a way. I'm not disputing the fact that having this council is an awesome plan, and that it gives much comfort to the dying person, but I think this concept is a unicorn (unicorn = fantasy). I am actually curious to find out if this Council is still helping to raise these girls...

Fast forward 4 years and the reason for this post.

In 4 years, not one of his best friends has come to visit the boys. Not one of them has offered to take them fishing, to take them to a ball game, to take them to talk about "growing up", etc. etc. I understand that people grow and change and our lives go in separate directions but yes, I am still a bit bitter. I have learned that if you want something done, its best to plan on it being you, and you alone. Even families will fade away after some time....

Basically, instead of writing to Time magazine, I'm just venting and sharing what has happened in our specific situation. Learning through experience is the best way to learn, and I have experienced this first hand.... I can literally count on ONE HAND the people that have offered to and have helped with raising the boys. Thank you to those very few, your help through an extremely challenging time has not been forgotten. However I feel that I was basically raising the boys myself and the kicker of this whole situation? A PERFECT STRANGER came into our lives and is now helping to raise them into fine young men. Never in my life did I ever imagine a man coming into this house and take on the challenge of raising 3 young boys with out batting an eye. Never. Yet as fate has it, I found that man and I have my "council" for now :)

I don't even know how to end this little vent except for words of advice... If you make a promise to a dying person, or to the family after a person dies, follow through. Don't make empty promises. Also, talk to your spouse about what would happen if the other dies, this is a topic most people don't talk about at young ages. We think we will all live to see 100, and in truth, we all won't. Make sure your lives are structured so that when your support system FAILS, you can carry on with confidence. Acquire life insurance. Learn to do things your spouse "normally does". Haven't ever mowed the grass? Do it so you know how. Never changed a flat tire? Do it so you know how. Keep your independence along side your love and dependency, you may need it someday....

SO... I went off the crazy end...

2010-06-30T06:19:00.000-07:00

SO I finished another documentary last night and seriously, at the end, I was very "doom and despair".

I must be gullible. I reread my last post this morning and had to do a little self calming.

*breathe in, breathe out* Cup of coffee, some more reading time. This time focus was researching "Peak Oil Debunked".

One case in point, that I missed, is that most of this hype I am just now reading about was years 2004-2008.

Well folks, it's 2010. 'Nuff said right?

Then I was reading about politicians using Peak Oil as a scare tactic. (It works really well too, might I add.)

Bottom line, I still believe that this oil crisis COULD be a valid scenario. But now I want to discuss the "Rule of Anyway". I have taken the term from "Depletion and Abundance", however it is something I have long since believed and practiced, just never had a name for it.

Think of it in this term:

I read some crazy survival blog the other day that had this hype growing for saving nickels (the reasons being that it will be a good source of currency in the future for reasons listed in this particular blog). So I said to John, "Why don't we start saving nickels?" He responded in a manner of saying I'm nuts. :) So I responded by pointing out one little fact.... "If we save nickels and this scenario pans out we win. If it doesn't, well shit, we have a crap load of nickels saved, cash em in and we can take a vacation. We win again."

That's how I define the "Rule of Anyway".

SO if I keep Peak Oil in the back of my mind, and still move forward with a more simple lifestyle, how can we lose???

Most of the steps that doom and gloom people say we should change, are actually just common sense things that could benefit us in the end.... here are some awesome examples:

1. STOP DRIVING (Peak Oil Suggests)

-- How is this a bad thing? Start walking, start riding bikes, start staying home more often.... positive results with OUT regard to Peak Oil? We become more healthy, we lose weight, our hearts work more efficiently, we save money by not spending it on expensive vehicle repairs and upkeep, we save money by not buying gas, we save money by staying home, period.

2. START LEARNING TO GROW YOUR OWN FOOD (Peak Oil Suggests)

-- Start learning about vegetables, fruits, grains, and all things that we can make for ourselves. Again, not a bad thing either way right? We are educating ourselves about food, it's nutritional value, and how much work goes into the substances we put into our bodies. It's obviously more healthy for us as well. In the end, we are smarter, more capable, more healthy, and we save money, again. You can not argue with the fact that a pack of seeds is much more cheap then buying 1 tomato! I have 5 tomato plants right now. It cost me roughly $1.00 to plant them. I use recycled rainwater, our own compost, and free sunlight to nourish them. And they will provide me with an overabundance of tomatoes to feed my family with. How is this not better then driving to the grocery store and paying OVER $1.00 a pound for a non-organically grown tomato?

3. START LEARNING TO LIVE WITH LESS ELECTRICITY, WATER, AND OIL. (Peak Oil Suggests)

-- Once again, not bad for us at all! Did you know that you can recycle rain water? Did you know that it can cut the costs of your water bill drastically? We use ours so the kids can have water gun fights, so that we can water our garden and flowers, to clean our feet off, etc. etc. Also, cutting back on AC and using natural heating methods in winter... AWESOME for saving money on bills, which in term reduces our dependency on Big Bad Companies. How can we lose? Really?

4. START LEARNING BASIC SURVIVAL SKILLS (Peak Oil Suggests)

-- Well this one is a no brainer. Why NOT learn basic survival skills? Why shouldn't we teach children or ourselves how to start a fire from nothing? Why not learn basic first aid? These are all things that at some point in our lives, may become a very useful piece of information to have on hand....

5. START LEARNING HOW TO BUILD THINGS OURSELVES (Peak Oil Suggests)

-- This is just important period. We take for granted every day the fact that whatever we WANT, poof! Drive to the store and it's available. Well why? Why don't we take the time to learn how to construct or build with our own two hands? There is something to be said about human ingenuity and imagination. It is in fact, how we have found ourselves in this little dilemma no? The human brain, the capacity for learning and using it, is infinite. I know that I certainly don't want my children growing up thinking the world can just be handed to you, it makes the brain stagnant. Use it, or lose it.

Well, there's 5 for now. I could go on with a huge list but in the end, the "Rule of Anyway" is a good rule to live by.

If we, as a society, could start functioning in a less needy and more intelligent way of living it can do SO much for us! So many things that plague us could be eliminated if we get back to the core relationships between us and the earth! Some other common sense rationals for this.... Say we start encouraging more walking and outside activities for our children, more education about their food, more education on how to grow it? We could slowly eliminate childhood obesity, ADHD, ADD, ODD, childhood disease! Say we do the same to ourselves? We could eliminate the dangerous chemicals we put into our body! We could see a decline in adult obesity, high cholesterol, hypertension, diabetes, even CANCER!

Say we work our asses off to learn how to live NON-dependent to the companies that control our daily lives such as the water companies, the energy companies, the local Wal Mart??? (John-- pay attention) Well shit! We could learn how to live with LESS MONEY! You know what this means right? For those of us who HATE the daily 9-5, this is KEY! We could WORK LESS. We could enjoy life more. We could reduce the cycle of stress that keeps us from spending play time with our children, learning time with our children.... we could spend our days in an unhurried life, instead of work, rush, work, rush, just to pay some bill that provides us comfort for a short time, until we have to return to the work and rush cycle. Our attitudes would improve, our relationships with each other and our neighbors would improve. Our blood pressure would drop, our mentality would improve. You can't tell me that weeding a garden (which is a job) is far more stressful then getting up, going to work everyday, to be taxed, to spend that money at the grocery store, to fill us with non-nutritional food and line the pockets of CEO's of big companies. Can you argue with that? If you can, I'm open.....

In summation, the "Rule of Anyway" sounds to me like an awesome way to live and be.

Follow the Scenario That Makes Sense to You

2010-06-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

I said I was back to blogging and I totally meant it! Yes, it is hard to find the time to do it most days but I'm going to start making that time now :)

So as I've been reading and watching even more documentaries on this impending crisis unfolding in the world, my mind is sort of "stuck" on what I need to take from of all this information, as well for all of the MIS-information out there too.

Finding accurate information on these topics, mentioned in the post prior, can be difficult. I am, after all, just one small person in this GREAT BIG WORLD. I have no special clearance to government information. I haven't went to college to study economics, physics, anthropology, biology, etc. I'm also not God. I can't predict what will happen to the future of the world. (Side note: I wouldn't want special clearance from the government because I wouldn't want that responsibility, nor the dangers from knowing information that is powerful. I also would love to go back to college to study these topics but due to rising cost of education, I can't afford to, probably never again in my life time.)

So I do the best I can with what I have. I have a moderate intelligence level. I have a library and the capability to buy books. I have the Internet. Plug in a Google search for "Peak Oil Crisis", "Climate Change", "Fossil Fuel Extinction", and the result will be endless amounts of information. Some of the information is good, some of it is bad. The hardest part for me, reading all of this information, is finding out if the writer is reputable. This weighs in heavily for me. Is it just some lunatic writing to scare people? Is it a qualified scientist that has spent years studying facts? Or is it someone like me, who is still trying to figure their shit out?

Irregardless, I read and read and read. Now, I may be a newbie to this but I have come up with 4 scenarios that I could see unfold here, which are 4 in MY OPINION, coming from all this information out there....

1. Lets start with the big dog. Let's say everything we read about Peak Oil is dead on correct. We will run out. This will lead to rising costs of oil (which is in and used to make EVERYTHING we have in modern day society), which will lead to poverty, which will lead to the break down of American Society as we know it. This in turn will lead to the governments of the world fighting over what is left of our oil, to try to sustain their own well beings as a nation. This will lead to War. We have big weapons now. We have nuclear weapons. If a nuclear war came to fruition, adios. There is no us, there is no plants, animals, etc. The world would be gone.

2. Ok, lets take Peak Oil at fact again, yet get rid of the nuclear war aspect. We run out of oil. This will still cause massive breakdowns in every aspect of our lives. Everything around us that is NOT from the earth will suffer. There will be no more cars, no more travel, no more roads, no more mass produced food, no more electrical systems, no more water systems, etc. etc. etc. Most people will fight internally for the power to have these things. Society will breakdown. Hunger, starvation, disease, and death will ensue to those who are ill prepared and non-educated. We will be thrust back into "Little House on the Prairie" days in a very short time.

3. We will discover an alternative fuel method (And all though we may discover a new method, it is now conducive that this method be "green" due to the "Climate Change" problem we are also facing). Yet, our lives will still drastically change. This new method has to COMPLETELY take care of everything that oil once took care of. This new method must take the place of not only what we use to travel with but also what we use to MAKE all these things we travel with or use in daily life.

4. Life is fine. Oil is going to last forever. We will keep carrying on just as we always have. Climate Change is a myth, so is the economic crisis. Everything will work out in the end.

Those are the 4 scenarios I think about when thinking of this situation. There are many more out there still, I just don't have the time or space on this blog to write each plausible scenario down. It's endless.

So which scenario do you chose to believe in?

Here's my own personal breakdown.

Number 1. If this happens, I'll say good bye to the world, just as the rest of us will most likely do. I am neither prepared nor knowledgeable about how I would have my family and myself survive a nuclear war. Nor am I going to start building some amazing bomb shelter that I could supposedly live in for a very long time to ensure survival. In my opinion, survival of this is impossible, given the unknown facts about radiation poisoning and nuclear winter.

Number 3. I say good luck with that. I would be accurate in saying that all nations combined have the best minds available working on this solution as we speak. And to date, no one has the answer. I know my husband personally holds to the hope that we will figure out nuclear fusion soon. I would love to hold on to this hope as well, all though I believe our lives will still change drastically.

Number 4. Are you living in a cave? No wait, just your own personal happy place. So be it.

Which leads me to Number 2. This is the scenario that I wonder if it will pan out in this way. Out of all the scenarios, it is the one that I could see happen. Maybe not in my life time, maybe in my life time, whose to say? Either way, this is the scenario I chose to look at as valid, in some way shape or form. It is the reason I have put myself on "education" survival mode. Nope, not stock piling supplies in some secret retreat place. Nope, not saving gold for fear of financial collapse. Nope, not hording food in the basement to feed my family. I think education is the best form of preparation for if this scenario happens. The Rule of Anyway is how I think about this one (more to come on this rule later).

So there is my rational and breakdown of some of this information I am taking in. Maybe some of my friends reading this will think I'm nuts, maybe not. Either way, it doesn't hurt to keep reading right?

Shit Biscuits.... start paying attention.

2010-06-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow, where do I even start?

This summer has been a li-ttle bit nutty to say the least...

Home with kids full time, took a job as the camp RN (again), and been sick. Like sick sick. (Oh yeah, it sucks too).

So in this course of being sick, I actually had to force myself to take a little time and relax... so I watched this documentary:

Wow. Blew my F'n mind.

Sure, this guy is a little wacko in my honest opinion BUT, wacko enough to make me say that what he says is frighteningly REALISTIC.

I am officially going on record stating that I am now obsessed with Peak Oil, the Energy Crisis, Climate Change, and Economics. (John actually teases me and calls me Johnny 5 because as soon as I discover something that peaks my interest, I crave knowledge... In 3 days, I have read 3 books now on these scenarios and I'm still plugging away! "Innnnnnn-puuuuut" Lol)

SO my ass is kicked. And kicked hard. This little clip put my little brain into a whirlwind of activity to say the least. Sure, there are plenty of extremist out there and there are also just as many nay-sayers as well. I'm still reading and learning so I haven't decided which side of that fence I will land on yet. Not saying I'm going to turn into the ultimate survivalist and start hoarding materials and goods, but it is time. It's time for me and my family to understand this phenomena and to act accordingly.

When I first started blogging a few years ago (my old blog) I was very excited about turning our lives into a form of sustainable living. John and I worked very hard at educating ourselves in very small steps: recycling our goods, eliminating waste, recycling rain water, becoming better gardeners, sewing, knitting, etc. etc. etc.

But as I sat down and watched this video, and all the research I have been doing since watching this video, has made me realize we have SUCKED lately at maintaining this lifestyle! It's not that we've fallen lazy per say, because we are actually running ourselves more thin then ever. We are both working more and our calendar for some reason keeps staying FULL.

And it sucks.

It's time to reinvest my mind and activities into the pattern of sustainable living that we were struggling to achieve before. It's time for us to get off the "oh-the-world-makes-it-so-easy" band wagon and get back to the more focused and hard working "persons" I know we can be.

So I'm back.

I'm back to blogging. I've said it before but I need to at this point. I feel it necessary to start this process again because if I try to keep all the material I'm learning about in my head, it has no outlet and hence becomes stagnant.

And I also aim to spread this news, like so many other bloggers out there who try, to anyone who reads my blog. As silly as this sounds to some, our lives HAVE to change. Watch this clip and read a few scientifically, fact based books on these topics and see if it not only peaks your interest or at least scares the shit out of you. It scared the shit out of me. When I look into my children's eyes and think that this scenario could come into play in my and their life time, it scares me.

So honey? Johnnie? Lover tits? Are YOU ready to start living this way again with me? (yes, my husband and I often communicate through the internet :)

Time to get my shit together!

------------------------------------

(I also want to start a little education bit here for myself)

Books I read/am reading:

1. "The Long Emergency: Surviving the End of Oil, Climate Change, and Other Converging Catastrophes of the Twenty-First Century" by James Howard Kunstler

(I will be honest, I skimmed some of this book. As I was reading it, I found it followed the documentary pretty well. I also think that it takes A LOT of mental power to digest this book in entirety. Meaning, I will probably come back to this book and re-read parts of it more slowly when my brain is ready to wrap itself around every aspect this book presents to the reader.)

2. "World Made By Hand" by James Howard Kunstler (This book was pretty good! It started out really well and gives a great sense to how the world may come to be if one certain path of the Peak Oil Crisis scenario plays out. It did get a little far fetched, in my opinion, towards the end but over all it is good. The focus of this book for me was on the breakdown of our lives, thoughts, morals, and feelings, and how a new hand made world can help to rebuild these morals and turn us into better human beings. Read it with an open mind if you do.)

3. "Depletion and Abundance: Life on the New Home Front" by Sharon Astyk (I am in the process of reading this book right now.... opinion coming soon)

Things I have done, or will do, today to reduce my oil dependence/live more sustainable lifestyle:

1. Am going outside to harvest lettuce from my garden so we can have salads tonight for dinner.

2. Compost my daily kitchen scraps.

3. Turned my AC up to a minimally functioning level (no, I'm not giving the AC up yet in entirety.)

4. Keep taking kiddos to swim lessons. Everyone needs to know how to swim :)

MICHFEST!

2010-05-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Ok... I'm a music festival/concert/music junky... (and my hubby is probably laughing now because I say that, yet I suck at learning about artists, the names of songs, etc...)

And this year, I was asked to go to MICHFEST and after discussions with the hubby, I'm going!!! I have tried VERY hard not to get so excited for it yet since it's not til August but I. AM. PUMPED!!!!

Here's a video of one of the artist I'm super pumped to see!!! YAYYYYYY!!!! Enjoy!

Peace Out,
Me :)

I have discovered medicine's BLACK GOLD.

2010-05-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, I PERSONALLY didn't discover it... but I have just discovered it for myself and I am currently wondering why I have NEVER heard of it before, and would love to share the news as well...

The "it" I'm talking about is: Ichthammol Ointment. Or as some others refer to it: Drawing Salve.

Seriously.

It's pretty amazing stuff.

Now for the grossness:

I have an abcess right now the size of a large purple grape. We will not say where but just know that it was VERY painful. Like, well.... kind of like childbirth if it was touched.

I've had it for a month too... not as big and as painful but yes, had it for a long time...

So John hands me this cream and says use it, works great.

Asked what it was and he didn't really know... so you know me, miss nurse-i-need-to-know-everything-about-this-cream-I'm-about-to-put-on-my-body self started googling it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ammonium_bituminosulfonate

http://www.uniquereviews.com/drawing-salve.htm

http://herbs.lovetoknow.com/Ichthammol_Salve

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-drawing-salve.htm

http://www.tipking.co.uk/tip/6702.html

Those are just a few of the results I came up with...

So I decided, what the heck... taking an antibiotic sounds like it's worse!

24 hours later, actually probably less.... It worked.

Done. Sold.

And you know what???? Had I of known of this stuff before? Maybe I would still have a freakin toe nail!!! Someone owes me a toe nail.... even if that someone is really no one but just sayin.

So any whos... couple warnings... Yes. It does stink. BAD. Also, Yes. It literally looks like tar/poo mixed together.

But it's good stuff.

Hope this helped someone!

Light Florida Post and Pics :)

2010-04-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

IT'S SPRING!!!! AMEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

Springtime brings outside time, gardening, parks, picnics, and our return to our quest of living more naturally...

Until then though, I do have pics from our Florida trip! Enjoy!

We started out the long (ass) car ride with John jumping rope in every state we drove through.... (hey, four kids in a packed car, gotta entertain some how right!?!)

Then we made a stop in Metropolis to visit with Superman for awhile :)

(I like Superwoman's body.... I'll take it :)

Then we arrived at our house we rented which was just BEAUTIFUL!!!! I have more pics of the inside but we didn't spend too much time on the inside.... We spent most of our days in these three spots, cooking out, relaxing, and swimming :)

First day was a tad rainy so after visiting with John's sister for the day we returned to the land of video games where the kids had a blast! Duh :)

Then we spent a day at Busch Gardens... I'm not a very "touristy" kind of person but had to check it out for the kiddos... Over all, they enjoyed every part of Busch Gardens :) Zak and Kayla had a blast on the roller coasters they tried, and Zane and Izeah were happy with the rides they got to go on as well! First time for Zak and Izeah to be on a roller coaster!

(do I look tired!?!?!? Why yes mam, I am :)

(Oh wait.... ZANE was tired!)

(Where's Zak?)

(Izeah?)

Long lost cousins!

We had a few beach days too! Here's me... after a few sweet tea vodka and lemonades :)

We also got free tickets to Adventure Island, a waterpark next to Busch Gardens and this place was awesome! Not nearly as crowded as Busch Gardens, life guards EVERY WHERE, and tons of places to sit back, relax, and watch your kids play!

The last few days we spent a lot of time in our own pool too :) Something to be said about swimming outside in MARCH!

So over all, it was a good trip :) Stressful at times, and the drive was crazy, but good :) Kids all want to move there now (of course) :) Hope you enjoyed the pics!

The real deal on parenting....

2010-04-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my dark side...

I believe that some people should not be allowed to reproduce.

Aggghhhhhhh.... that feels so good to get that off my chest. Really.

Yeah, normally I'm all "peace, love everyone, the world is a wonderful place". Well, not today. I'm letting the opinionated, self important woman in me out.

Hell, I'm not even saying that I'm a perfect mother neither. I work very hard every day to fight my inner demons. I have a large temper and it takes ALOT of self control to handle my children on some days. Do I fight the urge to whoop their little booties??? You bet. Do I fight the urge to yell obscenities at them when no form of punishment has worked??? Why yes sir, I do.

I can usually put my blinders on while I'm working (remember? peds nurse).... No, no, no, not the blinders when I see something illegal because I will report you, for the record. I'm talking about stupidity and self indulgence. Making STUPID choices when it comes to the life of a precious CHILD. It has hit close to home now too. I can't and won't go into detail on this blog because there will likely be court dates in the future (I said close to home didn't I?) and I don't want to jeopardize anything with this blog BUT at some point, someone has to stick up for what is right in a child's life.

Let's run down a check list shall we?

1. It is unacceptable to have children, and then have more children, simply because the state will pay you more money to sit on your lazy ass and not work. Yes, I have utilized the state in my past, it was set up so that children would be cared for BUT if you ask me, you should be working or going to school with a goal of being off state aid or minimizing your need of state aid by a certain length of time.

2. If you are on state aid for food, use it for what it is intended for. Buy nutritious food for your children.

3. Don't drink and drive with children in the car. Period. In my world, we have a two beer limit over the course of two hours when the children are with us. Perfectly legal and safe.

4. For all you single moms out there.... BE SELECTIVE IN YOUR CHOICE OF PARTNERS. It's not hard to do, I've done it for Christ sakes. After Ryan died, I dated a gaggle of men. Do you know how many of those men met my children? TWO, and I married the second one.

5. For all you single mothers out there... BE SELECTIVE IN YOUR CHOICE OF PARTNERS. AGAIN. If they abuse drugs, control you, or have prior felony convictions? Duh.... it shouldn't even be a choice. Let me ask you this, is your love life more important then the life of your child? Would you be happy if your child became injured, or worse, dies because you made a wrong choice and dated someone that caused it?

6. Watch your children. I don't know if some people ever get this part. Know where your children are at all times, and make sure it's a safe place for them to be as well.

7. GROW UP. Once you make the choice to have unprotected sex, you are relinquishing most all of your life. You are not only responsible for yourself anymore. You are now in charge of a beautiful creature of nature.... you are in charge of EVERY ASPECT OF A CHILD'S HEALTH AND WELL BEING. EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT. It's not just to house them, cloth them, and feed them. It's also to LOVE them, NURTURE them, EDUCATE them, PROTECT them.

8. GROW UP (AGAIN). When you have a child with someone else, you should know that you will have to see that other person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. It doesn't matter what led to a separation/divorce/parting of ways, you HAVE to learn how to get along, compromise, and make good decisions TOGETHER when it comes to the child you have together.

9. Just because you "love" someone, it doesn't make it all better. If you have children from a previous relationship and your new partner is pretty much bad all around, then you need to get over yourself and those "love conquers all" feelings and get with the program. What may be good for you can be very bad for your child. As stated above, once you have that child? You are now required to make the right choices.

10. Last but not least.... USE SOME FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL! For Christ sakes, we live in one of the leading industrial nations where you can walk into a gas station and buy a condom, or walk into Walgreen's and get Plan B. Birth control may not be 100% perfect (if used correctly though it's pretty damn close) but it is there to help so that the poor children I'm speaking about above don't have to go through life paying for the mistakes of there parents.

In the end, I will say ONE thing significant to this little rant. Little brother, I am very proud of you. You knew from the very beginning that things weren't quite right and I'm happy you have chosen to follow your gut. You may be an asshole (ha! had to throw that in) but you try, like I do, every day to fight those inner demons and to be a good parent. I honestly hope you can work things out in your situation but if you can't, I will be here to support you in any way that I can, with best interest given to my own family. Love you, and I wish you luck in the battle you are about to go into....

I will leave you all with a pic of us from our recent trip to FLORIDA! (Reason i haven't blogged much lately :)

Yep. It's (was) my burfday....

2010-03-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

Sooo.... I started writing this post about 2 weeks ago, when I actually turned 30, but we had a 10 day car trip to Florida to do so alas, I'm just now posting it :)

I've been toying with the idea that 30 is a big change for me, but in reality, I've broken it down and I'm pretty sure I'm ok with the fact that I'm 30 now. I've learned alot in my short little 30 years of life.... I have some friends who hate the idea, some who have embraced it. I think I'm on the embracing side, and this is why....

--Turning 30 is a big "health" step for me. I'm not saying I know everything there is to know about the body, but the way I see it (and yes, some docs even agree) 30 is the point in your life when you get the chance to fix all he F*d up shit you did to your body when you were in your 20's. This is the time that I need to stand up and take notice of what I've done to myself. It's time to start paying attention to all the little "symptoms" I've had lately.... It's time to quit smoking (in the very near future), it's time to check my blood work, it's time to stop abusing my body and embrace it, learn about it, and understand it.

--I've also learned that I have emotions. I've had people tell me that I'm "too emotional" at times.... but now? Once again, I'm ok with those emotions. I would much rather be passionate about how I feel then to lack emotion. Of course I sometimes over do the emotional thing but I'm ok with that as well. :) Call me bipolar, call me moody, call me a bitch, don't care really. I am what I am, I've been this way for 30 years now, and I'm obviously doin ok, so why change it?

--Im learning that I have alot of friends. I have people who rearranged schedules to come out to dinner with me on my 30th birthday. I have friends who came out even though they're preggos and would much rather sit at home on the couch :) It makes me very happy to know that I've given love and I've received love as well :)

-- This one might come as a shock (or not at all) but it only took 30 years to say this: I like my body. I think sitting on the beach might have just oober confirmed this for me as well ;) I've always been so insecure and of course I still would love to lose a few pounds (who wouldn't?) but when I saw other confident women, who might I add had larger middle sections then mine, walking around in bikinis??? I digress and I should have slapped mine on!

-- I've lived through a lot. I can withstand the forces of life and keep moving forward. I like only being 30 and knowing this.

-- And last but not least: THIRTY IS THE NEW TWENTY! Watch out world! ;-)

AHEM Public School, I have a problem....

2010-03-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

My children attend public school. This is my choice. However I do honestly believe that my heart is somewhere else. I love the idea of homeschooling my children, but I know my limitations and that is just not something I can do at this point in my life. I do try my hardest to stay involved in where they go to school though. I'm the PTA secretary and am present for most all of their school events. I volunteer my time and I pay attention to what they are learning and reinforce it at home. I disagree with a lot of public school "ideals" and try to make up where they fail. (Yes, they fail miserably in some areas, like art, music, etc.).

Another reason that I have sent my children to public school is to learn about different family levels of income. I said that badly but to give you an idea, my children are two of only 30 out of 300 students that don't have reduced or free lunch. I like the idea that my children are attending a racially diverse school and they have friends that come from families of different income levels. It's a part of life, learning about society, socioeconomic statuses, and culture. I don't want them growing up in an all white private school. If we shield our children with blinders now, then how are they supposed to learn and grow? (And before I get blasted for my last statement, if public school ever were to become the REASON my children ARE NOT learning? I will pull them out in a heart beat.)

However I'm getting my panties in a bunch over the latest new public school rule....

Last week the day of my PTA meeting, Zaky and Ziggy (uh, that's Izeah) informed me that they had a new "rule" at their school. If they were tardy, they would lose their recess for the day.

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!?

At first I thought my ears were lying to me... or that they exaggerated some new rule and made it sound horrible. SO I went to the PTA meeting and discussed it with the principal. From our conversation I learned that tardies are a big problem at our school. During the 3 day state testing a few weeks ago though, there were very few tardies for 3 days in a row. Therefore the principal and parent liaison decided to try the "no recess for tardies" rule out for ONE day. It was an experiment and it was supposed to not happen again. I ended up voicing my opinion that if this happens again, or becomes an established rule, I would have a HUGE problem with this and would go to the school board. If a child is tardy, it is the parents fault (at this grade level). In the rare instance that it IS the child's fault, I feel another means of punishment should be used. End of our discussion.

Then today, I heard "through the grapevine" that they are going to try this rule again.

Now first, I think I'm going to validate this little rumor.

BUT SECOND, if this so called rule is VALID, I do believe I am going to have to go directly to the city school board. I will not be going to the principal again, being as it resulted in nothing if this happens... AND if the school board doesn't listen? Then next on my list will be local news stations.... and so on and so forth until my point is heard and this rule goes away. What is my point you say?

MY POINT: Recess should not be taken away from a child. In the deepest part of my heart I honestly believe that every child, no matter how bad or mean or horrible they are NEEDS RECESS. They need that free time from restriction and thinking. They need the ability to run, scream, and play. Hell, even walking around outside in a lap would be more acceptable to me then keeping children inside for the entire school day. Adults are granted this right... we all get lunch breaks correct? (Well, in an ideal setting...) Even INMATES are granted outside privileges.

Does anyone reading this disagree?

In the end, I strongly feel that just because I have chosen public school for my children, this doesn't mean that my opinion doesn't count. In my world it means that if you don't like something about your public school system, then I will stand up and make a difference, hopefully even make a change. After all, if all we do is bitch, then we're all just part of the problem and not the solution. (Yeah yeah yeah... cliche, I know :)

Part Time Mom, Part Time Servant, Zero Me.

2010-03-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

This might be a long one, and my writing skills will suck. If I don't write it here though, I'm probably going to yell at someone who doesn't deserve it so hi bloggy world, I have a bitch....

Here is what I do. I stay at home about 1/2 the days in the week. The days that I do work, I have to arrange childcare for the 3 boys that I normally take to and pick up from school everyday, at different times none the less. I keep a pretty tight budget. I pick up the house every. single. day. I try to do laundry, try to figure out dinner daily, help at my children's school, and pretty much everything else you can think of that needs to be done, I will do it. I plan the vacations and I man down a calendar that's usually filled 3 months ahead of time. Im always looking for deals/sales/coupons so that my family isn't blowing money where it doesn't need to be blown. I plan a grocery list all the time because if you go with out a plan, well... that's just dumb. I may not do all this in a timely manner all the time (because it seems that there is usually something else that pops up that is more immediate then my never ending list) but yes, it all gets done. I'm pretty sure that I have forgotten about 100 things in the above paragraph as well.

SO whoever wants to say that being a stay at home mom is easy or no work, well you can pretty much blow me.

Hmmmmm.... maybe I should go back to work, then I wouldn't have to take care of everything else. Then I wouldn't have to hear things that people say to me that end up making me feel guilty about staying home. Then I could also stop being the one that everyone turns to when they need something done or they need a favor. Maybe I should stop picking up in the mornings, since I've been told that it doens't look like I pick up anything.

(Yes... that is our dog's poop. Least he did it by the toilet.)

(Hi boys! Ready for school....)

Recently though, with all of this, I have been feeling like I have lost myself lately doing all these things as well. I have turned into an OCD neat freak with the kids (which it's not their faults, they're just kids for christ's sake). I have forgotten all things that I'm passionate about as well.... learning about simplifying our lives, trying to change our diet to a healthy and more purposeful diet, learning about woman's rights, art, reading, sewing etc. I have turned into a bad friend for some of my best friends, and I've turned into a shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I play go-between for family and friends ALL THE TIME and try to keep the peace. Oh, and if you find me sitting in front of the computer during the day? It's usually doing something NON fun like balancing the budget or trying to plan a trip for our family.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I can't move mountains and I certainly can't grow wings to work faster, never be late, or get it ALL done. Something is going to change around here. I don't know what yet, but something. For starters... I think I'm going to stop answering my phone all the time. Then I'm going to learn how to say NO more often. And until some people start learning to say thank you? I'm not doing everything I do anymore.

Please Help for an Awesome Cause!

2010-03-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ok... I have a special friend :) And her son is amazing.... He gather's donations and then shaves off his hair and all the money goes to helping kids with cancer.... If you have $20, $10, or even $5 to share.... please CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO DONATE! Please leave a comment if you do because I will be letting her know who helped Lex reach his goal!!!!

LEX'S DONATION PAGE

Baby Time!

2010-02-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

To start, NO, not us! But I got you to click on my post didn't I?? ;)

(Ryan holding newly born Zane)

John and I were both young parents. He was 15, I was 20.... yeah, go ahead and chuckle a little...

(Birth of Izeah)

I think we both struggled a little at those times in our lives, him more so then I. We were YOUNG parents. We had babies before any of our friends did. We went backwards in the "life cycle".... He stopped after 1 and I had 3 by the time I was 25.

(3 by age 25... then marriage... duh, don't you know that I've always been ass backwards!?!?)

Now we're both at the cusp of turning 30. And we're both at that time in our lives when most of our family and friends are either A. getting married or B. having babies... and it's a very tough time for both of us. It's joyful, yes, we are so very happy for our friends and fam but it also has it's down sides as well...

We're past this point in our lives. We've had countless people ask us if we're going to have more. All though neither of us have taken the permanent step, I do have an IUD, which has worked for the last 5 years, and will hopefully keep working for the next 5 too. We've talked about it quite a bit and we are 99% positive that we are done. Like, DONE DONE. Zane (the youngest) is almost in kindergarten and the idea of starting over doesn't so much scare me, but doesn't sound appealing either. At this point we can take the kids out of the house and it's awesome to not be carrying a diaper bag of crap that you virtually never use! (OK, that's a fib... by my 3rd kid I had it down to an art form... 1 diaper and an emergency bottle, that was pretty much all I ever took.... everything else you can improvise). I still LOVE the idea of being pregnant and I LOVE LOVE LOVE babies (who doesn't?) but for the last few years, my little biological clock has stopped clicking! It's a weird feeling for me.... not wanting one... but every time I'm holding someone else's baby, or babysitting my little niece or friends kids, I haven't had the urge to have one! After accepting my internal feelings, I can now say that it feels GREAT to not have that feeling... I am happy to hold, and happy to return :)

(Little Kayla '04)

The down side? It's a rough point in life with our friends. I felt the little "rift" before... When I had my babies, I lost some friends so to speak. I was never upset or mad though, I always understood how and why, but you still FEEL it. It's the feeling that our lives are all different. My friends didn't have babies so they had freedom to do what they wanted, when and where they wanted. It can kind of be a deal breaker in not so many terms. Yet I still had faith in a few of these friends, and it was good... I knew that once they started having their babies, they would get it. They would understand where we were coming from all those years that we couldn't make it to things because we had children. They started understanding the constraints of a family, the limits you now set for yourself, and the fact that your couch and a movie are more appealing now then going and getting shit faced every weekend. I have some of my friends back now and it's great! I'm really very happy that I held onto some of these friendships because I just knew in my heart that at some point in the future, our lives would coincide again :)

(John and Kay Bug... Daddy Daughter Dance '04)

Until this point... Now the tables are turned. We're the ones that have more freedom now. Our children are older. We have the ability to leave them for a weekend and it's OK with all 6 of us. They know we're coming back, and we know we need the break :) We live with less restraints, and we don't have to worry about going places and making sure things are baby friendly...

(Baby Zane)

It feels odd to be on this side. It's hard. I don't want to drift away from any of these friends... I love them very much... but it seems to be happening a little bit. I think my whole post is actually just a way of me talking out loud and reminding myself of how it felt for me when this happened, so that I don't do it to any of my dear friends now.... I hope they also know that I am always here for them as well... with advice, childcare, whatever ;) Even if it's just to come over and visit for a bit because I still remember my lonely nights sitting at home, feeling like I didn't have very many friends.... I don't wish that upon any of my friends... :)

(Little Zak and Ryan sleeping :)

Soooooo.... now what do I do??? Well for starters, I have 5 baby showers coming up in the next 6months... time to start knitting and sewing! :)

Score 1 Karma Bank

2010-02-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

Actually.... I should have titled this post, "I must be getting older".

I'm turning 30 this year!

Yep. 30. BIG news in my little world.

With out even trying, turning 30 is starting to affect me... I've noticed in little ways I suppose... I'm even going to write a post about turning 30 and health at some point...

BUT.

Tonight I felt older in a different way. I went out for a few drinks with a girlfriend havin a rough patch in life.... Nothing big, just us 2 in jeans :) We went to 2 different bars and had a few beers and a few shots. Both of us were relatively sober leaving the 2nd bar.

We come up to this intersection and I see a woman fall down standing on the street corner. She's all by herself, very obviousley drunk. So she tried to get up and falls again. (mind you she keeps falling into a pile of snow too) So I see 2 other girls walking in her direction. Both these girls looked in their younger 20's, obviousley "out" for the night. They both see the woman who fell down... they look at each other, smile, and keep on walking!

So go over and ask the woman if she needs some help. "Yes, please" she says.

SO I grab her by the arm and help her stand. I ask her if she's driving tonight (thank god she said no!) and turn around to ask my friend to grab her other arm...

Long story short, we walked her to a bus she was on. She said the driver (her husband... hmmm, what? makes you think a little huh?) would be out in a little bit and she was just going to crash on the bus...

After all of this I realized what I saw. I saw 2 younger girls who didn't want to be bothered by a woman who was drunk enough (at only 10:30!) to not be able to stand. They didn't take the time of day to stop and help. Not to mention other people had been walking by and I'm sure others saw her too.

But it was nice feeling "older" I suppose for my sake.

I helped a woman who needed it.

I also realized that had she been driving? I might of saved a life.

(oh... and score 1 for my karma bank :) Hence the title!)

The Other Side of Sadness

2010-02-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

When someone you love dies, all eyes are on you. Everyone who loves you, cares for you, and all others in between are watching you. They are watching your every move. They are wondering if you're going to be all right. They give you unsolicited advice. They try to get you to "talk" and "open up" so that you start the "grieving process". You will be judged and what you do will be analyzed... trust me.

What did I do? (Well I'm most certainly glad you asked...)

When I was told that there was less then a 1% chance of survival, I understood. I let go. I turned off the machine. I went home and gathered my children around me and I told them what happened to their daddy. I slept in our bed that night. In the weeks that followed, I let every emotion I was feeling have it's place. I accepted the path my life went down, knowing I was powerless to change it. I went out and bought many, many books on how this so called "grief work" went down, trying to understand what steps I was supposed to take to ensure I healed appropriately. I told people I was fine.

What did I NOT do? (glad you asked that too...)

I did not seek out counseling. I didn't feel that telling some stranger what happened could give me comfort or resolve to what happened. I did not seek out medication to numb me to all the different feelings I was having. I did not understand all the books I read. I did not feel like I had this huge hill to climb that many, many psychiatrists call "grief work". I did not deny what happened to me. I did not feel like I was healing inappropriately. I did not make excuses for any actions or bad behavior I participated in after he died. I did not curl up into a ball and shut the world away.

I know death is different for every single person. The manner in which the person you care for dies causes different reactions. The relationship you have with that person also causes different reactions. I don't know if I've ever come clean about how I felt EXACTLY after Ryan died but I'm going to try to give a little insight to what I told myself...

I have always understood the circle of life. It is what happens to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US. We are born, we live, and we must die. Our bodies are not meant to carry on for centuries. I GET this. I UNDERSTAND this. On a deep level I think. Now, the next way of thinking might offend some, and I don't mean it to be harsh by any means but it was a *key part of my healing:

I will not trade nor give up my life for my husband.

That's pretty big huh? Yes, I was sad that he was gone. It sucked and it hurt inside my tiny little heart. Yet, I also believe that if it was Ryan's turn to leave this earth, then it was his turn. It was VERY unfortunate and tragic, but meant to be. I feel like I'm still here and I still have a job to do. I still have 3 children (now 4) to raise. I am still a Mother. I am still a PERSON. I will still evolve.

Don't ask me how I would even begin to cope if it was one of my children though. I can't begin to imagine what would go through my mind then... I believe that Ryan and I were equals. We had each lived the same amount of life, but my children.... oh my children. There is no deeper love then the love I feel inside every bone of my body for them. In all honesty, it's not the same love I have for my husband(s).... My love for my husband can not ever touch that deep place. My body has never supported the very first second of life for him...

And this book made me feel NORMAL.

This book is one that I highly recommend to anyone who has ever felt out of place or abnormal after someone they love dies. If you have ever been told you have "healed to fast" or that you might be denying your grief and it will come back to haunt you later, then read this book. YOU ARE NORMAL.

I love the way this book throws all things we in Western Culture believe about grieving up into the air and says, "It's not right." We are human beings and looking at our basic animal instinct, we are internally programmed to keep going. We are innately capable of accepting death. We are more resilient then we give ourselves credit for.

He definitely accounted for many different factors and still agrees that yes, some do need medical/psychological intervention but MOST of us don't. He even has studies that back up the fact that TOO EARLY of an intervention can actually be HARMFUL in our own, personal grieving process. It can delay the process that our bodies and minds are capable of accomplishing without help.

I also love the way he correlates unhealthy grieving with an unhealthy relationship with the person who dies. It makes COMPLETE sense to me. I think Ryan and I had a very healthy relationship. We struggled in the past but we made it through and we were healthy. Yet, I've seen others who have lost a loved one and if the relationship was unhealthy, they have had problems coping with the death. It makes PERFECT sense.

He also has studied that laughter, memories, and talking openly make it much easier to heal, and to keep that connection present but not at the surface.

I could talk about what happened to me and how it relates to this book for quite some time but I'd be rambling more then I already have. If your curious, if you know someone going through the grief process, or you yourself just need some validation that you are healing and that you are normal, then I highly recommend this book.

Time to go live some of that life I find so precious :)

Peace.

Snapshots between Raindrops

BOOBS

(5 Years Later) Hello My love...

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Living My Life

My Body, My Hair, My Mystery....

Honoring Our Mothers

Screw the Life Bombs

That 1 Guy

The UN-Educated Education

Weekend Away

My 2010 Disappointments

How Words Define Us

We Heart Zombies...

Thoughts on Death, Dreams, and the Betweens...

IT'S GLOBAL WORK PARTY DAY!!!!!

Zane, Red Heads, and Eyelid Stitching...

Struggling to Educate, or are we?

Sometimes I just need to review....

Oh. My. Goodness.

One Day...

EaArth

One choice... Four years ago....

We are all here today.... thanks to the stars....

Council of Dads

SO... I went off the crazy end...

Follow the Scenario That Makes Sense to You

Shit Biscuits.... start paying attention.

MICHFEST!

I have discovered medicine's BLACK GOLD.

Light Florida Post and Pics :)

The real deal on parenting....

Yep. It's (was) my burfday....

*AHEM* Public School, I have a problem....

Part Time Mom, Part Time Servant, Zero Me.

Please Help for an Awesome Cause!

Baby Time!

Score 1 Karma Bank

The Other Side of Sadness

AHEM Public School, I have a problem....